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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2008-10-28 ... 11:44 a.m.


1. How old Abraham Lincoln was when he was shot and where on his body he was shot. (56 years old, back of the head.)
2. How porta-potties flush. (Actually, they kind of don't...stuff gets rinsed into the holding tank AND THERE IT STAYS.)
3. Origin of the Pittsburgh Steelers' "Terrible Towel." (There is a much longer Wikipedia entry on this than you would expect.)
4. Why some people believe in God. (This is not really a Google-type question, and I had to tell her so. After much semi-awkward discussion, we sort of settled on "because they want to." Lame, I know.)


Saturday we attempted to go trick-or-treating at the zoo, but the zoo people managed to screw that up pretty badly. For some reason they were attempting to tightly control the distribution of candy, handing it out only inside the zoo buildings, which of course resulted in logjams and queues and tired, bewildered children. We bailed pretty quickly and made alternate plans for a brief trick-or-treat jaunt to all the swanky Lincoln Park shops, which was much more sensible. As long as Darth Vader had a few individually-wrapped empty calories plunked into her pumpkin, she was happy. At certain shops the things plunked into the pumpkin were high-quality boutique chocolates---I made like Pinochet and disappeared those as soon as she went to bed. When you're satisfied with Tootsie Rolls and Jolly Ranchers, you don't get Vosges and Valrhona.

And the actual holiday is not even here yet! Lord Vader still has to make an appearance at kindergarten, and then on All Saint's Day at a costumed birthday party. I guess if you figure cost-per-wearing, this costume was practically free. I am sure the kid will toss it on randomly even when it just lives in the dress-up box, post-Halloween.


1. I have had sleep issues these last few weeks. I fall asleep quickly, but then a few hours later I am wide awake. I mean seriously awake. I mean "coming down from inferior LSD" awake, where you lie washed up on your beach of a bed like a horrible deep-sea creature, all spine and eyes and teeth. I have tried the trick of putting on my glasses in the dark, a trick that I am convinced works because you feel so stupid looking around at the night-nothing that unconsciousness comes just to spare your brain the embarrassment. But even that has not worked these last few nights.

Conventional wisdom says you should never flop about unsleeping in bed, but get up and do something snoozy until fatigue arrives. However, my brain has a really unfortunate tendency to round up. If I were up at 2 am, I would think, "Well 2 am is really *almost* 5 am" (alarm time). This slippery slope would eventually lead to me wondering to whether it was "worth it" to go to bed at all. I do this terrible rounding trick with estimations of travel time (which explains why I am always early), money in the checking account (which explains why I am always nervous about money when there is nothing to be nervous about), and wine consumption (which explains why a glass often turns into a bottle---because it really ALMOST IS ALREADY).

2. Finally I have a new winter coat. It is black and wool and boring-boring-boring (well, the buttons are a little kicky I guess), but it was the only thing I could find without a fricking BELT. For the last time, a coat does not need to have a BELT. My coat is not going to fall OFF. I am not going to TUCK anything on the outside of my coat. And yes, I DO need to engage in all-caps hyperbole because BELTS on COATS make me cranky.

3. I also finally went to a new dentist. Long ago I kicked the Break-Your-Jaw dentist to the curb in favor of Extremely Slack Dentist. He doesn’t even MENTION floss! He barely even mentions teeth! We just talk about football! Unfortunately I think Extremely Slack Dentist is having a life crisis, getting so slack he is phasing out of going to work altogether, or something, because his office is now closed two full days a week and that makes it difficult to get an appointment. Even for uncomplicated me and my boring biannual cleanings. So I took an exciting westward journey over to the UIC campus and had my teeth cleaned by a tidy Japanese dude who might have some mental-math deficiencies. I say this because he clucked and sighed a bit about my teeth, which aren't bad (no cavities!) but are not All That They Could Be, and soberly said that I had the gum tissue of "someone in her 30s." Take another look at the birthdate on that chart, mister, because that is thumbs-up a-okay with me.

---mimi smartypants has developmentally appropriate gum tissue.


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