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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04


2000-10-17 ... 11:45:51

Iím still not in the mood to faithfully document my current existence. My apologies to those of you who miss the "hereís what I did today" stuff. I just don't feel like it.

Actual conversation betwixt me and my mother:

"Did you get my package?"

"No, not yet."

"Oh. Well, I sent you something small."

"A neutrino?"

"Not that small."

I got a great error message once. Some author of mine had embedded a figure in his text in some wacky way, and when I tried to click on it the machine seized up for a minute and came back with: Word cannot edit the unknown. Which amused me, since I seem to do it every day.

Here's the text of a letter I sent to the Frito-Lay Corporation earlier this year (note to lazy diarists: Search your hard drives! You never know what you might find!)

January 27, 2000

Frito-Lay Inc

Plano, TX 75235-5224

Dear People at the Frito-Lay Company:

The other day I was eating some of your fine chips. Specifically, I was ingesting Tostitos 100% White Corn BiteSize (did you really mean not to put a space or hyphen in between "Bite" and "Size"?) Perfect for Dipping Chips. I noticed this pseudo-Aztec design bordering the bottom of the bag. I don't know if it was the Sleater-Kinney playing in the background or if I was just feeling particularly proud to be female that day, but it struck me that part of the pseudo-Aztec design looked exactly like a schematic representation of a uterus and ovaries. I enclose a photocopy of the chip bag with the stylized uterus and ovaries circled in red, along with a diagram from a medical textbook of an actual uterus and ovaries for comparison.

While some might be disturbed to find female anatomy on their bag of chips, I say "Bravo!" (or perhaps, "Brava!") at your manufacture of such an obviously gynocentric snack product. Is this a shout-out to the craving of many menstruating women for salty snack foods? Or perhaps a subtle Native American influence, an acknowledgment of the Corn=Earth=Earth Mother equation? Whatever the cause, I may say with certainty that I like the result. Long may the uterus reign on my bag of chips.

Jolly good show!

Mimi Smartypants

Her address, etc

I got a coupon from them and a very generic letter thanking me for enjoying the chips. No reply to my content at all.

Seriously though, the next time you're wandering the snack aisle,* look for these chips and see if Iím not right. Itís astounding.

*Donít those words look great together? Snack. Aisle. I bet the word "aisle" has some interesting etymology. But of course it's not convenient to check on that, since the people that put the OED on the Web are charging like $300 a year for access. Bastards!

---mme m. smartypants

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