Back to Diaryland

the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2000-08-29 ... 12:07:17

There's something about Chicago I'll bet anything you didn't know. It's not in any guidebook. And that is the fact that Chicago's citizens feel compelled to show me their genitalia on public transportation. It's true, and it's happened to me multiple times. They ride the train, they see me board, and they reach into their collective pants.

Once, I was riding the Howard line rather late at night, minding my own business, when I noticed the guy across from me fiddling around inside his sweatpants. Okay, I think, he's just adjusting. God knows we all need to do some adjusting from time to time. Go back to my book. The next time I look up the adjusting has changed to pumping, stroking, whatever you want to call it. He's very definitely, obviously, pleasuring himself. And he's not doing it AT me (in fact, his eyes are closed), but it's in my field of vision nonetheless, and it is not acceptable. The El is public space, people. Have some regard for the social contract.

I look around the rest of the car, and it's obvious to me that other people have noticed, but they are ignoring the Masturbating Man as hard as they can; noses buried in papers etc. Meanwhile, he's still going at it.

I try giving him my best evil look, but if anything that just inspires the guy. Finally I can't take it anymore, so I stand up and announce to the entire car, "Ladies and gentlemen, this man is masturbating. Let's all give him a round of applause!" and start clapping.

Some people laughed, some people clapped with me, and of course the majority just silently thought "Oh god look at the crazy lady," but I felt better that something was said. And the guy was sufficiently embarrassed to get off (no, not like that) at the next stop. So there.

I mean, really. What would possess someone to just ride around the city masturbating?

I've also had my fair share of people exposing themselves to me, and believe me, I won't let that slide either. I always scream at them to put it away and do my damndest to insult them in the process. I have a feeling that the sort of folks who whip out their members in front of total strangers are relying on you to be shocked and silent. It's probably part of the thrill. Screw that!

Oh, it's all part of the charm of the transit system. But please, keep it in your pants if possible as we head downtown. I'm trying to read here.

---mimi smartypants


join my Notify List and get email when I update my site:
Powered by