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the latest
waddle: good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03 elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01 building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19 ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09 my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04
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ATTENTION ATTENTION All ten-year-old boys in the West Rogers Park area: there is a really gargantuan black bra just lying out in the grass, corner of Sacramento and Granville. Perfect for a rudimentary slingshot, simple gawking, or tossing at your friend's head (now he is covered in boob cooties! hilarious!) Limited-time offer, act now. BENJAMINS FOR ORANGUTANS It is well-established that I have a tendency to get weepy over nature programs, although historically it has been pachyderms that bring on the pathos. The other day some Discovery Channel thing got Tivo'd and now I am all sad about orangutans, which could be extinct in twelve years if the deforestation continues and THAT WOULD SUCK. I defy you to witness little baby orangutans in action and not haul out your wallet like I did. Unfortunately I do not know much about the relative effectiveness of different orangutan rescue organizations, but the main ones I Googled up seem to be registered UK charities, so hopefully they are for real. Orangutan embezzlement would be insidious and wrong. Man, that is just about my favorite sentence I have typed today. Awesome sentence, I nominate thee for first prize. RIGHT BRAIN, LEFT BRAIN, ASS CHEEK Lately Nora constantly asks for "math problems," by which she means that she wants me to write down a bunch of huge-ass numbers (the longer the better) that can be added or subtracted without carrying or borrowing, as she has not yet learned that little trick. It is more challenging than it might sound to hand-write a page of five- or six-digit addition/subtraction problems that don't require carrying or borrowing. It makes me wish that I taught high-school computer science, because I would make a group of acne-ridden teenagers write a program to spit these out. So Nora is grooving on her math problems while we clear away the dinner dishes, and she wants more, and eventually she asks, "Can I do this instead of TV tonight?" Uh, yes. Absolutely. Of course, later she was peeing naked before bathtime and ended up falling off the toilet and bruising her hip as a result of attempting to sit an extra-special krazy kreative way (backwards, one leg up over the tank, who even knows WTF). From "gifted" to McFly in just around thirty minutes. MISCELLANEOUS 1. I was waiting to cross the street and this business-looking dude in a suit had his fly wide open. I wondered whether he was just in a rush that day or a potential train masturbator who wanted to be at the ready, and then decided that either way I should say something---it would either be a friendly good-citizen thing or it would help further my very strict NO TRAIN WANKERS policy. So I got his attention and said, 'You probably want to zip up your pants." He did, sheepishly, said thank you, and then proceeded to start yapping about his busy morning and all the little disasters that had befallen him during the dressing routine, and the light changed and I was practically running to get away but no, we're friends now. I realize he was probably just giddy with that garrulous relief that often accompanies narrowly-avoided disaster, but jeez, shut your trap man. If that's the way it plays out I am never helping people out with their crotches again. Flap in the wind for all I care. 2. Whenever I drive past a Little League game I have a strong urge to lean way out the window and scream YOU SUCK at the kids in true "crazed sports fan" style. I would never do that. I think. But the idea cracks me up. 3. I started typing this in Chicago and I am finishing it in Vancouver. My airplane had a slight fecal smell, which worried me because I was nowhere near any toilets or babies, but so far Vancouver seems to smell okay. ---mimi smartypants is out standing in her field. |
