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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2008-05-30 ... 9:52 a.m.


I have received email (I love email!) asking me where I am, what's wrong, why no posts, etc. This was a surprise because it is totally normal for me to have long stretches of nothing between diary entries, particularly the past few years* when my life is all full of time-consuming details and any last traces of OCD-rriffic Good Girl Syndrome have been blasted out of me by motherhood, nightly wine consumption, and my renewed dedication to lying on the couch with a book for hours. Seriously, I have been reading like a fiend (the library-book stack is about four feet high, I am doing my best but then I screw up and CHECK OUT MORE), and that plus the Shiraz-induced lethargy of my evening time equals very little typing. There is also the fact that when I have nothing to say I tend to shut up and not say it. Which probably makes me unsuited to the Internet. Oh snap! Oh did somebody just diss internet discourse? Because that is extremely brave, daring, and original!

*Nine years, people. Nine motherfucking years of online diary. Should I stop? Of course I should! But I won't.

I think my last post was from Vancouver. My trip was pleasant and productive and uneventful. I had to laugh when one of the conference organizers in charge of "local arrangements" marked a section on a handout map as "the alternative lifestyle shopping area." Now this I had to see! Just a garden-variety gay neighborhood or something truly odd? (Note: just a garden-variety gay neighborhood. With lots of good falafel, strangely. BIG GAY FALAFEL.) On the way home I not only got the option to go standby on an earlier flight (yes please!) but also was seated in the exit row. Which I felt slightly bad about, because I am short and it is unfair that I get so much unneeded leg room. Also, the flight attendants give you that speech about being "willing to assist others in an emergency" and I felt like I was lying when I said yes, because who knows? Maybe I will fall apart, sobbing and trampling old people in my rush to evacuate! On the other hand, maybe I will come through in a crisis! I can't really say.


It is sort of a moot point now since today is the last day of school, but Nora and I were talking about why she plays so exclusively with her BFF Peter. She explained how the girls in the class are never doing what she wants to do at recess, so "that's why I don't have many girl friends right now."

Me: Are any of the boys doing what you want to do?
Nora: Yeah, sometimes. Peter is doing what I want to do, all the time. But sometimes Henry and Liam and Dante are playing superheroes.
Me: Hey, you like playing superheroes! Do you ever play with them?
Nora: No. I ask sometimes but they say, "No girls."

Oh no. Hell to the no. Not this crap already! Once the red cleared from my vision I wanted to ask if she had then morphed into SuperSuffragette and kicked their puny Batman-emulating asses into next week, but I managed to simply make some neutral comments about how that's a pretty crazy thing to say, friendships are about play and not gender, etc. LT managed to slip in something about how the boys are probably afraid that Nora can run faster/climb higher than they can (no doubt true), and she liked that a lot. In theory I was trying to avoid the whole competitive-gender scenario, but maybe a touch of a superiority complex is not a bad thing when you are dealing with the likes of Henry and Liam and Dante.


I really like it when Nora improvises Star Wars dialogue. For instance, she will say, in her Darth Vader voice, "I am going to destroy your planet." And I'll say, "No! Please don't! I really like my planet!" Then she breathes Vader-style for a few beats and comes back with, "I am going to destroy it anyway." The Dark Lord of the Sith welcomes your feedback!


A few days ago I saw the awesomely taciturn grill guy out of context (ie, not behind the grill), receiving an exuberant greeting from a friend. In response to the exuberant greeting, ATGG just said, "What it is." What it is! Kind of P-Funk Nation, Zen, noncommittal and deeply ambiguous all at the same time.


At Trader Joe's I was waiting in line behind a woman with a baby in the cart. He was sitting up and gnawing on some disgusting baby drool-biscuit, but still being pretty damn cute in a wild-haired grubby way. The mom was looking at her list/staring into space and THAT'S JUST FINE, please don't misunderstand me, babies do not need attention every damn second. However, for some reason I am like crack to babies, I think it is because I do not look entirely unlike a Muppet. The baby started laughing at my round Muppetty head, and he was spewing biscuit crumbs everywhere while he and I had a little back-and-forth funny-face moment.

All of a sudden the woman WHIPPED her head around to see what the baby is laughing at, and I got a dirty look right before she maneuvered herself in front, so as to block his line of sight, while starting to ostentatiously play with and tickle the little guy. How can you be so jealous as to be annoyed that your kid is entertained? Bitch, I wasn't trying to bogart your baby, calm down. I am sure he still likes you fine.


Apparently Justin Timberlake and Madonna have "written" a song together. I have never heard it, but I keep seeing the video at the gym while I run on the treadmill, and they are dancing together while she tries to make the sexy moves on him, and in my head I keep thinking, "Grandma! Get off of Justin! Grandma, that's not nice!" And then I laugh and then I nearly fall off the treadmill.

---mimi smartypants wants to sell you hot legless dogs.


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