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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2002-03-30 ... 9:01 a.m.

How To Come to a Party at My House

1. Wear whatever you like. Hats, tuxedos, and false beards are all encouraged, separately or together.

2. You really don't have to bring anything. I know it is polite to ask, and I appreciate that politeness, but when I throw a party I am kind of a crazy control freak with the planning so I probably have it all covered. If your mother raised you in such a way that you absolutely cannot arrive empty-handed, wine (hint: I like Pinot Noir), tulips (hint: I like purple ones), or huge baggies of drugs are always welcome.

3. Say something nice about the food, because I am not always very confident of my domestic abilities.

4. Drink. Mingle. Don't wait to be introduced. Be funny. Here is a list of conversational topics to get you started: your favorite cheeses, why John Madden and Pat Summerall should be worked over with a tire iron, scary things (nuns, clowns, midgets), stuff that sucks, weird sexual things you've done, drug stories (bonus points if they end up with you pantsless in a police station), caber tossing, your favorite Popes in history (I've always enjoyed Pope Clement VI), famous people who you wouldn't mind having as your own personal fuckpuppet (again, Pope Clement VI for me, or maybe Ricky Martin), dinosaurs RRRAAARRR!, whether you believe that the declension in the Western post-Romantic mind from Modernism to Postmodernism can be understood as a shift from epistemological skepticism to ontological skepticism, the fact that a pig has a spiral penis, and the Incredible Hulk's bad haircut (seriously, did his mom cut his hair with a bowl?).

5. Conversational topics to avoid: work (funny stories are fine, but no one wants to hear the details of your spreadsheet wizardry), your gym routine, abortion/gun control/the death penalty/terrorism, what you did or didn't eat today, how everyone lusts after you, the amount of fabulously expensive electronic equipment you own, and platform snobbery (if I even overhear a tiny fragment of the Windows vs Mac vs Linux debate I'll slip a roofie in your drink, I swear). Also, anecdotes about how cute your pets or children are should be limited to five minutes or less.

6. Never, ever, insist that everyone stop drinking, talking, and generally having a good time in order to "play a game." Playing games is fine, if it is that sort of party. Or there can be a subgroup of game players within a larger party. But you are not the Camp Counselor of the party, to be demanding that the partygoers do this or that.

7. Be a Good Drinker: no vomiting, no wanton destruction, no unwanted groping of fellow guests. Dirty jokes, comic antics, flirtation, and slightly slurred stream-of-consciousness blather are encouraged, however. If things do get out of hand, you are welcome to spend the night. I have plenty of couch space.

8. Remember, your hostess sets the tone. So: If I am wobbling about like Dorothy Parker on a bad night, consuming superhuman quantities of gin, kissing just about everyone on the mouth, waving cigarettes around and coming dangerously close to setting you on fire, and cracking wise about all and sundry, that gives you a free license to completely let your hair down. And if at any point I drop into a kung-fu stance that is a very clear signal that all bets are off. (For some reason I tend to make with the martial arts poses when I get very drunk.)


Yet another search referral related to monkey-spanking: What can I masturbate with? I don't know, jeez, look around you. There must be something you can masturbate with. Why are you asking the computer? This is what's wrong with the youth of today: no imagination, no resourcefulness.

Wow. Sub-genre of porn devoted to fraternity initiation rituals.

Ha ha ha ha! Scroll down to the all-caps part: Help! I've been BOOB TRAPPED! Oh those crazy Kansans! And what the hell is this:

The Kansas Bureau of Investigations has been averaging more than one clandestine laboratory per day so far this year. The Butler County Drug Task Force has been involved in seizing seven methamphetamine labs since it existence. Five of which has been this year, one of that was found less that three blocks from the El Dorado Police Department.

Thank you, Typo McBadspelling from the great city of El Dorado, Kansas. You have a very nice incomprehensible web page. Proofread much?

---mimi smartypants is doing the mambo with all the lights on.


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