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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2002-03-29 ... 2:22 p.m.

Sun-Times Weather Word Report: Today is NIFTY. I think that is a pretty hilarious weather word to choose for Good Friday. Crucifixion is nifty.

My cleaning lady (hold your criticism right there because we've already been over this), who is a very driven and determined person, sometimes decides to go beyond cleaning into the world of organizing. She has previously cleaned out my cupboards and drawers, and yesterday she rearranged the entire medicine cabinet. Which is very nice, although I couldn't find a damn thing this morning. She also likes to sneak treats to my cat. I knew there was a reason the animal kept following her around.


1. Poor stupid eel. "Rubber eels are dumber than most tropical fish, and have considerable difficulty dealing with food that moves. They have only moderate difficulty with food that doesn't move. They are extremely confused by other bottom-feeders."

Well, aren't we all.

2. Manages to say "moist" twice in a very short paragraph.

3. Caesar salad, the ubiquitous food of genteel office types everywhere. The yuppie-ass Nordstrom's cafe makes a good one, I must admit.

4. Sing to me, O Muse, of morphological plasticity.

5. The pause that refreshes.

Last night, again the damn Goldstar Bar. (Here is that same sentence using only consonants: Lst nght, gn th dmn Gldstr Br.) I just can't stay away, what with the free popcorn and the $2 beers. Kat and I talked and talked, as we are wont to do, and I caught a cab home at around 11 pm, a touch later than planned but what else is new. LT made me laugh by calling me on my cell phone in the cab and, when I answered (a minor miracle, since I barely know how to use the thing), yelling "Where's my woman at?" in his best uberpimp voice.


A partial list of famous people whom I find wholly repellent (and a few reasons why):

Celine Dion (shriveled creepy Canadian egomaniac whose voice causes spontaneous retinal hemorrhages), Barbra Streisand (ditto, minus the Canadian part; also has inflicted some horrendous films on the world), Joan Rivers (more of the same but even scarier and more shriveled; plus that talentless vanilla-pudding daughter she keeps trotting out; plus the Oscar thing; plus joking publicly about your husband's suicide will land you in a special part of hell); Dubya (I won't get into the political reasons, but I believe that he is a dumb mean person whose interior universe is a sun-baked wasteland); Tom Cruise (the scary smile, the Scientology), Oprah Winfrey (could you be more full of yourself GOOD GOD), O.J. Simpson (murderer and no doubt batshit insane), Nancy Reagan (looks like one of those nodding-head dolls; that's not very nice of me to say but I just can't help it), Oliver North (lying scumbag whose head is oddly square), and Maria Shriver (Strange-Looking Head No. 3, plus how dare you write a book called "Ten Things I Wish I Knew Before I Went Out Into the Real World" since you do not in any way live in the real world; you are a television "journalist" and married to Arnold Schwarzenegger for crying out loud), and Puff Daddy or whatever he's calling himself these days (write your own damn song. I'm not kidding, one more of those and the beatdown shall commence).


He has his own kangaroo.

Because today is so darn NIFTY, my office closed early. I think I'm going to take a nifty nap before Friday night starts.

---mimi smartypants has a firm thick rind and pulpy flesh.


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