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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2001-12-12 ... 2:11 p.m.


by mimi smartypants

1. I hate the national anthem. Oh no! Gasp! In this time of tragedy (subtle shout-out to Anna, heh heh), how dare I find fault with something about this wonderful land of ours! Quickly, detain me for months and then try me in front of a secret military tribunal!

Ho ho, how I jest. My hate is real, though. I think that the Star-Spangled Banner is untuneful, nearly unsingable, and usually played too slowly, so it loses what little character it had to begin with. Most galling to me, it ends with a question. What kind of national anthem ends with a question? The other lyrics go on to answer the question, but we don't sing that part. The question just hangs there. I don't know, DOES that star-spangled banner yet wave? You tell me. "Spangled" is a neat word, though, I'll give Francis Scott Key that much. I'll have the sea bass spangled with shaved truffles in a red wine and shallot reduction. Spangled. Let's all try and use this word today.

I have no suggestions as to what song should replace the Star-Spangled Banner. However, I'd like to register my fondness for lyrics that mention blood. China is pretty good ("Everybody must roar his defiance." ROAR!), and of course, France has just about the goriest national anthem on the planet.

(Side note: using similar arguments, I can make a case for "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" being the best Christmas carol ever: it's in a minor key and includes the word "Satan." How often do you get to sing about Satan around the holidays? Not often enough.)

The mention of the holidays brings me to reason #2....

2. I don't send Christmas cards. I've been getting Christmas cards in the mail all week, and the annual guilt about not sending them is starting to build up again. I'm not sure I even understand Christmas cards. I talk to my friends all year long: in person, on the phone, via e-mail and instant messaging, and most importantly over the tops of martini glasses. It seems like such an empty gesture to send them a Christmas card. ("Thinking of you at this time of year...because I'm supposed to!") Then there are people for whom I still have addresses, but to whom I haven't spoken in a few years. Again, if I wanted to keep in touch with them, I would, and a once-a-year card isn't going to change anything.

I firmly believe that most people do exactly what I do with Christmas cards: look at them, think "oh, a card from so-and-so," and then throw them away. The only people who take serious note of Christmas cards are the people who use the list of Christmas cards they received to edit the list of Christmas cards they plan to send, and so on and so on in an ever-increasing cycle of meaningless activity. Not that I'm against meaningless activity (ha! this very web page being an excellent case in point!), but nonetheless, don't be checking your mailbox for any holiday cards from me. Okay? Okay.

There you have it. I'm an evil, un-American Scroogette. But at least I am spangled.

---mimi smartypants


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