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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04


2001-10-17 ... 5:40 p.m.

My adventure-packed journey home after Italian class:

FIRST, my mind was somewhere else (off conjugating verbs I suppose) and I was sick of waiting for the #147 Express bus so I got on the #151, which ends up at the same place, only I forgot that the #151 does not go "express" in any way, but rather meanders up Sheridan forever taking its own sweet time.

SECOND, I was quite disturbed by the sight of the guy in front of me eating specific words out of a piece of paper: he'd hold it in his hand (it looked like a direct-deposit pay stub or something) and like a mouse bite out his name, his address, the totals, etc, chewing and swallowing those bits, and leaving ragged wet holes. I thought: Why not just destroy the whole thing, if you're worried that someone will find your personal information once you throw it away? Why not just shred it or tear it up into tiny, tiny pieces? Perhaps there was something talismanic about it. A modern-day Sin Eater.

THIRD, when I finally did get up north and to the place I catch the next bus home, I was hit by a car. Here's what happened: I saw the Devon bus up ahead, and the light was green for me to cross (okay, the DON'T WALK sign was flashing, but the light was still green), so I ran across the road, not quite at the crosswalk (okay, again) and a car was anticipating the light and did not want to stop or even slow down, and so, well, he hit me. In a sense it was more like I ran into the hood of his car, but really, he shouldn't have been going so fast just because the light was ABOUT to turn in his favor, so I feel he was at fault. (I would though, wouldn't I? I'm such a princess sometimes.) I'm fine: I bruised my elbow and my hip, and felt shaky and strange when I realized that if I had lost my footing I would definitely have been run over by multiple cars. But other than that: fine.

FOURTH, after all that trauma I still missed the bus.

FIFTH, I get a cab the rest of the way home and the driver is very articulate and we have a grand old time bitching about politics and the Chicago Transit Authority and all kinds of other stuff, and he gets me home cheaply and efficiently, and at some point while I'm paying him he lets it slip that he's only been in this country nine days, and I think that's hilarious because you don't get no taxi license in nine days, so it was obviously a friend or relative's cab and he's driving it around illegally. But like I said, I liked him, so I won't tell if you won't.

I'm exhausted, still.

Conversation I overheard today, between two up-talking Trixies. U-TT#1: "I want to see that new movie?" U-TT#2: "Who's in it?" U-TT#1: "Um, it's got Vince Vaughn, and John Travolta, and he plays this guy…" U-TT#2 [interrupting]: "Is John Travolta still fat?" U-TT#1: "No. Anyway, John Travolta plays this guy? Who gets divorced? And he has a son? And it's, like, scary." U-TT#2: "Oooh. Sounds good."

And that's when I stopped at the office and turned in my "Human Being" card. If anyone wants me, I'll be on one of these other planets.

--ground control to mimi smartypants

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