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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04


2006-07-17 ... 1:54 p.m.

KEEPING IT REAL GONE

On Friday I lost my palm pilot in Whole Foods. I know that sounds like a country-western song, but it is not. I was carrying it around and being all crazy-OCD (more on this later) about the shopping list, and I probably put it down on top of some organic tofu pudding or something and left it there. I realized its missingness while still in the store, and wandered around hunting and calling its name, and then finally filled out a lost-and-found form at the customer service desk. Which of course does not preclude some hippie/yuppie shopper with no conscience from walking off with it. Said shopper would have to be slightly nuts to want a six-year-old Handspring Visor with the Keepin' It Real frog stickered on the front, but continued inhalation of tea tree oil fumes causes dementia after a while and maybe that is what has happened.

I have been doing a lot of yoga lately (oho! who's the hippie now! glass houses, shattering everywhere!) and this led me to try and see the loss of my ancient handheld device as No Big Thing, and in fact as maybe helping me take a tiny step toward mental health, as I have a lot of crazy numbered lists in there that do nothing toward lessening OCD's stranglehold on my brain. It is a nice attitude but it is not working so far, as I also had very many useful things in there: addresses, phone numbers, Scrabble, a big list of meals we eat (because I am not the "here's this vegetable, now what do we make" kind of cook, but the "here's five meals that sound appealing, let's shop for these ingredients" kind of cook). So the loss of my palm pilot is kind of sucking, no matter what kind of karma-crap spin I try to put on it.

TWO WEIRD THINGS

1. The backstory is too boring to even get into but basically a bunch of shit at my job was reclassified, and when I was comparing new designators to old designators I noticed that one thing was not. And that in fact there was no longer any mention of that particular thing, as if that whole category had just been wiped out. So I asked someone who should know. I said, "Hey do we no longer have Thing X? Thing that used to be called Thing Four-Digit-Number?" And the answer I got was, "No we don't, because we ran out of numbers."

I stared at that email for a good long time because it made no sense at all. It doesn't even answer my question, for one thing. Also, you cannot run out of numbers. That's the whole point of numbers. I don't really care if we continue to use Thing Formerly Known As Four-Digit-Number or not, but this response made me want to run over to that department and start hitting people with a baseball bat while screaming, "N + 1! N + 1! N + 1, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

2. I was reading some book. (I canít remember which of my recent books it was. Job Hopper? Adverbs? This Book Will Save Your Life?*) In this book there was a description of someone feeling encumbered and restricted, and reference was made to Scout (from To Kill A Mockingbird) running through the forest in her ham costume. It was a throwaway analogy but it stopped me cold, because although I have read TKAM I don't remember any ham costume. Although ever since then I think I do remember a ham costume, in a faint faraway-bells-are-ringing kind of way, and of course if you Google you will see that there really was a ham costume. I am not doubting the ham costume, I just wish I could remember it with my own brain. I should go buy a copy. Hell, I should go buy a ham costume.

*Ugh, no it won't. A. M. Homes is so uneven, it drives me nuts. I really liked Things You Should Know, but this one was just utter weak-satire dreck.

DELUXE APARTMENT IN THE SKY

1. Our living room is painted, a new couch is soon to be custom-ordered, furniture has been rearranged, and we have our new TV. After twelve years with my little 13-inch set, I now have this 26-inch flat-screen monster that feels like just a humongous amount of television, although I know that by today's standards it really is not all that outrageous. The old set actually had the courtesy to start dying right before we bought the new one (the color got strange and there was a permanent red blob in the corner of the screen), which made me happy because it lessened the stupid bourgeois guilt I have over buying new things.

2. Also, a window air conditioner has been installed in the living room. This heat wave is something else and in order to have sex, ever, while it is 90-something and humid, I need air conditioning. I am not so much into that sweaty college thing anymore. (We used to do it in a twin bed! In all kinds of weather! But now we will do it on our living room floor, with air conditioning. Although not by the glow of our new television, because I have to draw the line somewhere.)

LINKY

Dumbass. As if there were a finite amount of food grown in the world, and using some portion of a crop for biofuel would mean more hungry people. Hunger exists because of poverty and politics and serious problems with distribution, not because there is some sort of absolute food shortage.

Art by the children of ATF employees. I particularly enjoyed Dixon's contribution (in the 6- to 7-year-old category). Is it supposed to be the Branch Davidian compound? I hope yes!

Hooray for phosphate.

ME. AND CHEAP BEER. WE KNOW WHICH IS THE REAL DRAW.

I kind of hate doing this, but please consider this link to be my pale Victorian hand limply waving in the direction of self-promotion. "Noted author" kind of makes me want to hurl, and is it even true? Noted? Note me! Take note! Anyway, at this show there will be lots of funny people reading their funny stuff. There will also be me. I have not yet prepared in any way, unless you count one night's tipsy crawl through my archives (what does it say that I have to be drunk to read myself?), when I did not manage to find one even vaguely funny thing I have ever written, ever. If you find one, let me know.

---mimi smartypants was the last one out and turned off the light.

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