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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2002-06-10 ... 2:31 p.m.

I am being invaded by the natural world. That damn natural world is all over the place, messing up my nice climate-controlled bricks-and-mortar synthetic universe. WITNESS:

1. This morning I got up at dark o'clock, as usual, due to a combination of The Cat purring really loudly in my ear, my own wonky biorhythms, and some astoundingly pornographic dreams. (That last is probably my punishment for yesterday's somewhat naughty entry.) Smartypants Early Morning Log: Pull on summer robe (yes, I think we are finally there: the Sun-Times Weather Word today was SWEATY). Trip over The Cat. Feed The Cat. Start kettle for tea (Earl Grey). Turn on computer to see if I've received any wonderful fabulous e-mail from people who love me to bits. (Short answer: no.) Sync the handheld, visit my daily reads. Slowly become aware of foul smell outside the study window. The Cat, who is in the windowsill, even turns to give me a look, like, "Yuck. Do you smell that?" Remember, I am an urban girl, and I am used to foul smells, but I am unable to place this particular foul smell. (Plus, you know, I am not fully awake yet, and the tea is only just barely beginning to hit my bloodstream, and the Internet is dastardly dull, and no one is online to chat with me.) I start running through all the foul smells I know to try and match the one outside my window. Is it overflowing dumpster? No. Is it decomposing wino? No. Is it thick-necked frat-boy case-of-Budweiser pee? No. Is it a mysteriously-spiced goat-based curry dish cooked by my neighbors across the way? No. An entire cup of tea later, it dawns on me that it is SKUNK. Skunk. In the city. How cool is that?

2. Do you have cottonwood trees in your neighborhood? Cottonwood trees are really obnoxious. There are big snowdrifts of cottony crap in the gutters, in the alley, on the sidewalks, everywhere, and it makes me sneeze. See below.

3. Then I get to work and there is a BIG SPIDER in my office! I work on the tenth floor of a sealed-window office building. Now I am all freaked that there are spider eggs in the walls or something, because I do not see how else this big spider could have gotten up here. How did it even get past security? I was not in a pacifist "I Love All Creatures" mood this morning, so I just stepped on it. Pow. Take that.


Lots and lots of new and exciting ways to express your drunkeness. (Come to think of it, "smelling the skunk" wouldn't be a bad one.)

It's old but I giggled at this transcript of a conversation between Will Self and someone else whom I've frankly never heard of. Cranky cranky authors!


What do I do on the weekends? Run around, drink in bars, talk a lot. Because my memory is getting more and more threadbare and I tend to leave important personal possessions in bars, I have taken to transferring just the bare essentials to a pocket or small wallet, but I often forget to transfer them back to the briefcase on Monday, and the end result is that today I went to work without any cash and without my ATM card. I had to hit up one of my employees for five bucks so I could get a noontime sandwich, like a schoolyard bully shaking down the littler kids for their lunch money.


What the hell kind of world do we live in when talking wiggling margarine tubs advertise themselves. Bartender, I'll take one of each, thank you very much.

---mimi smartypants thinks she's the queen of the neighborhood.


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