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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2002-08-19 ... 1:58 p.m.

"When using any driving directions or map, it's a good idea to do a reality check and make sure the road still exists, watch out for construction, and follow all traffic safety precautions. This is only to be used as an aid in planning."

That is a direct quote from Yahoo's driving directions. (Emphasis mine.) When using any driving directions or map it is a good idea to do a reality check. Make sure the road still exists. Make sure you still have all your fingers and toes. Make sure you remember how to drive a car and that you are not currently bleeding from an abdominal gunshot wound. Make sure you bring a sandwich in case you get stranded. Make sure you still have a healthy skepticism about the ability of theological or philosophical absolutes to sustain a reliable relation between subject and object, mind and matter, physics and metaphysics. Make sure the sky is still above and the ground down below. Make sure the United States of America hasn't transformed suddenly from a bland Puritan/Judeo-Christian oligarchy that pays lip service to being a meritocracy into a Afrocentric Goddess-religion polyamorous socialist republic with a soundtrack that is pure Bootsy Collins. THESE SIMPLE REALITY CHECKS COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE.

I didn't update all weekend. Did you notice? No, you didn't. Most of you seem to read this from businesslike addresses anyway. I did get some good e-mail this weekend. I also got some lousy, poorly spelled e-mail, from some immature wanker at an AOL address, who said he had "staid [sic] up all night reading your blog and it is all good except I like the old, funnier stuff better." Oh yeah? Well, I like your new, bloodier face better, you little shit. Pow!

(I pretend I am a tough girl but I've never been in a real fight in my life. Some girl beat me up in fifth grade, but I wouldn't call it a fight. More like her smacking me in the head a couple of times and me crying and running away. And I would never get in a fight about something as pointless as this web page, anyway.)

Why didn't I update all weekend? Mostly because I was asleep. I have contracted some sort of SuperSleepingSickness. I only woke up to do the dumb things I had to do (like touch the puppet head), to eat, and to drink wine. For a while I thought it might be West Nile virus but of course I would never get anything that exotic. More likely it was just those darn ninjas pumping the poison sleeping gas into my house again in an effort to destroy me BUT IT WILL NEVER WORK HA HA HA.

Great conversation betwixt me and LT:

Me (reading online about West Nile virus): Did you know that one of the symptoms of West Nile virus is confusion?

LT: Huh?

Great thing overheard on the train today: "You have a piece of bread in your hair."


1. Rats. Thirsty or otherwise.

2. The Sheridan El stop. It's one of the last old rickety ones, with big wide wooden boards and none of that blue plastic stuff that stops blind people from going over the edge.

3. The big curve between Wilson and Sheridan, where you can see the front of the train and it's all cemetery to the west.

4. The Division Street bus, because it's a neverending freak show.

5. Looking at the skyline from the platform at Chicago and Franklin, particularly on a misty night.

6. The South Side peddlers on the Red Line who have "ten pairs of socks for five dollars."

7. Lake Shore Drive express buses on a winter night.

8. The bus driver (usually working the Irving Park route) who calls out the names of the streets in a voice so exactly like Lou Reed's that it kind of freaks me out, seriously.

Whoa. This is my favorite Reader personal ad in a while:

SERVICE AT DESK. White male 55 will service you (male or female) at your desk during working hours. If you need relief from a hectic day I will get under your desk and service you to completion. Cleaning and zip up service included. No charge for services rendered.

"Cleaning and zip up service." The mind reels.

---mimi smartypants has ruined more lives than demon rum.


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