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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2004-02-25 ... 9:37 p.m.


Many people of the girl persuasion sent e-mail to back me up, that tampons do not just slip out, no matter what. An equal number of people wrote to say that tampon-slippage (really, are you serious? All the way out???) had happened to them. I suggest we form gangs and settle this like gentlewomen, with fists and karate kicks and bike chains. Some people asserted that even though they had given birth through their own personal vagina, tampons remained in place no matter what, while others blamed the baby-vagina connection for their tampon problems. For the record, it has never, not ever, happened to me, in approximately eighteen years of menstruation and tampon usage. Leaks, yes; actual dislodgement, no. What have we learned? Precisely nothing, except that Your Vagina Mileage May Vary, and now I cannot look at a tampon or even a tampon box in the drugstore without hearing the faint strains of "see you later"-themed songs such as "These Boots Are Made For Walking." Ugh.


Yesterday as I took myself to lunch a girl yelled at me from across the street, "I LOVE THE WAY YOU WALK!" I hope this is lesbianese for "nice ass," because mine could always use more compliments. LT compliments it often, but there is just no such thing as too much of that.


My daughter has none. She has the adorable puppyish toddler belly, all round and sticking out, and then no booty whatsoever. Just flat. I am not too concerned, as I was not counting on the cash from her career in hip-hop videos.


You think?


I always get the GED and the GRE confused, and this bit me in the ass (my nice, compliment-friendly ass) recently as a coworker said something about her husband taking the GRE soon, and I was a bit surprised that she, with a master's degree, had married someone without a high school diploma. Not that this is so very unthinkable, it is just that people do tend to marry people with similar educational attainment, that is a fact. Then I spent hours mentally beating myself up for being a snob. Then I realized that the GRE is not, in fact, the GED. Then I ate some more candy.


Okay, that was a gratuitous heading, but it is what I have been thinking all day since I was waiting for the bus and saw a woman walking three (very) male dogs, none of whom had undergone neutering. The smallest dog (a dachshund) seemed to have the largest balls. I now officially regret this entry, as normally I try to keep my genitalia-mentions at least a few days apart, and here I am not only getting graphic about tampons but blithering about dog testicles but there is nothing for it but to keep typing, I suppose.


1. That you should never buy the pre-shredded cheese if you do not enjoy eating plastic, since it contains a plasticky byproduct to keep it from clumping.

2. That I once saw a horror movie with a suicide scene where a guy props open scissors and then jams them down his throat, except that maybe this was a bad dream because every time I describe it I just get blank looks, even from movie buffs. Anyone?

3. That I never hit my sister on the head with a frying pan, she made that up. However, I did put her stuffed lamb in the freezer once.

4. That I was infected with another common-cold virus at precisely 3:10 PM today. It was so weird: one minute sitting at work being productive, then a shiver and an unfocusing of the eyes and suddenly it hurts to swallow.

5. That this entry is a disjointed wreck, and will not improve as the cold medicine I just swallowed starts working its dark-green, treacly magic.

6. That I will post it anyway. The entry, not the magic. The magic you have to make yourself. Anyone remember Magic Shell?

7. Okay, okay, I'm going.

---mimi smartypants killed Mr. Moonlight.


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