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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2005-01-03 ... 12:17 p.m.

I recently made this shorthand list of recent dreams I have had, so as not to forget them entirely. The original plan was to go back and expound on each one, adding in the details and stuff. Of course I did not do this in time, and the details have been forgotten. I still enjoy the list just as is, however.

Sex with Bjork (giggly, goofy, not that sexy)
Put lipstick on a blond girl
Tiny (bread-loaf-sized) mutant zebras (bloodthirsty!)
Overdrawn on checking account
Jelly everywhere: oh wait it's blood
Why six nine?
LT and I are meth addicts! I get stitches. Police have questions.


That thing with the pillowcase: how everyone tucks the pillow under the chin to get it on.
That thing with the forearm at a ninety-degree angle to wrap the extension cord up.
That thing with the eyeball twitching and the skin liftoff after too much caffeine.
That hiccup thing, and the magical thinking that goes along with it when really it is all up to time and the relaxation of diaphragmatic muscles.


1. My neighbor gave us a plate of cookies. Frankly, they did not look all that great. A lot of them were those crumbly colorful cookie-press cookies, which I always think of as "funeral home cookies" because that's what you eat in the basement of funeral homes, in the family freak-out area, along with bitter vending-machine coffee and those starlight mints.

I don't know this neighbor that well. The part that I do know seems slightly histrionic and annoying, and I base that solely on her posts to our condo-association email list, which are mostly along the lines of OH MY GOD THERE'S A TERRIBLE PROBLEM IN MY UNIT SOMEONE FIX IT. I know. Maybe she was a bit unclear on what happened during her closing, and just thought she was signing a lease or something. Anyway, free cookies. They sat in our kitchen for a while, and then I decided to pick out the ones that looked edible and throw the rest away. But before I ate the edible-looking ones, I had this conversation with LT.

Me: I'm going to eat some of the neighbor cookies now.
LT: You really don't need to inform me of your cookie intake. But thanks.
Me [angrily]: I'm telling you in case they are POISON! So you know what to tell the PARAMEDICS! God!
LT: Okay.
[time passes]
Me: So far, not poison! Woo hoo!

2. Multicultural holiday: For the month of December, Nora's preschool had construction paper cut-outs at one of the Montessori "work stations" for kids to decorate if they felt like it. Nora chose a dreidel and proceeded to cover it with Santa stickers.

3. Multicultural Nora: When she first started talking, Nora had a weird little French accent. She said a very Frenchy "no" and something akin to "Meh-meh" to refer to me. I am sorry to say that her Francophone refinement has vanished, and now her toddler speech is pure Jersey. I cringe/giggle every time Nora refers to combing her "heah," how Mommy is wearing "eah-rings," and how she has "joos" and Daddy has "caughfee." Part of me really wants to teach her to bellow, "She was a HOAR!" like Ralph Cifaretto, but I probably won't.

4. Weird thing I learned that I cannot ever forget: Professional thieves open dresser drawers from the bottom, because that way you never have to close a drawer in order to see what's in the next drawer. If you have killed someone and you are fake-ransacking a room to make it look like a break-in, remember this. Remember it if you are just doing a plain old break-in, too, I guess.

5. This holiday list is a tad over-focused on murder and death and organized crime and poison cookies.

6. I received some good and useful gifts this Christmas. LT got me a new monitor, to replace the literally-found-in-a-Dumpster one that was bulging and blinking and making me wonder things like acid flashback or crappy monitor? My sister-in-law bought me a new hairdryer, which dries my hair so fast that I sort of go back in time and for me it is the previous day and I have not even washed my hair yet. Or something like that. And my mom got me 400-thread-count sheets, which have spoiled me forever for my other, plebian, from-Target sets of sheets, because 400-thread-count feels like sleeping on top of a TRIPLE-CREAM BRIE SERVED TO YOU BY THOM YORKE and the other sheets feel like sleeping on top of a SLICE OF DRY TOAST SERVED BY DICK CHENEY.

7. And because Christmas is for kids, I should point out that Nora also did well, with a new tricycle (she can pedal or steer, but not both at once, which has led to some serious scuff marks along our hallway), and a small pretend kitchen. She mostly plays with the sink and "glassware" parts of the kitchen. If only toy manufacturers made a small pretend wet bar, we would be first in line.

8. Then it was my birthday, and I got older, and I went out to Delilah's for celebration and cheap beer a few days beforehand, and on the day itself I took Nora to the babysitter's even though I was home (our house! So weird and quiet!) and napped and read and did laundry. In fact, I have done laundry nearly every single day during this vacation. Laundry, I am officially sick of you.

9. On New Year's Eve we threw our usual party, and I mostly kept to my resolve not to drink a whole lot. Of course, keep in mind that my "a whole lot" might be different from yours. At around three in the morning I thought, "I should probably have a glass of water" but then I opened a Corona instead, and there was some actual "reasoning" involved in this decision wherein Corona somehow equaled a glass of water. Only in beer format.

10. The stories in the Best American Short Stories 2004 are all way too long. Either guest editor Lorrie Moore has been taking her Adderall or I need to get some, because I keep reading half of each "short" story before I totally want to bail.

11. I cannot believe that Minnesota has a record of 8-8 and still made the playoffs. Not only are my Chicago Bears the shittiest team, they play in the shittiest league. I'll be rooting for either one of the Pennsylvania teams for the rest of the season.

12. Back to work tomorrow. Boo.

---mimi smartypants stretches and yawns.


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