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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2008-11-18 ... 11:33 a.m.


All the happenings lately seem to belong to Nora. So get ready for some mommyblog action. Numbered for clarity and because that is so totally the way I roll. I roll in an orderly fashion, curled up like a little ball, with arabic numerals preceding each revolution.

1. She moved up a rank in karate. The girl population seems to dry up as one advances, which is odd for a lesbian-owned dojo, although that observation only really holds true in the five-year-old class---I see plenty of female ass-kickers in the class after hers. Not that Nora even cares, but we are in this partly for the role models and camaraderie, you know?

2. No cavities for Nora at the dentist, but he gave me some more flack about the nighttime finger-sucking, and said that "we are absolutely looking at orthodontia at this point" and that "there is no way her teeth will move back to normal on their own." This lecture was followed up by more tips and tricks to eliminate the fingermouth, which had me puzzled. If it is as hopeless as you say, Dr. Dentist, I would just as soon ignore the behavior mods and look forward to the braceface.

3. We also took the kid to a Bulls game. I was somewhat curious about how this would work, since she is normally either fast asleep or well on the way at your standard weeknight tip-off time. Sure enough, Nora fell asleep on my lap in the third quarter, right around the time the scoreboard starting exhorting the United Center crowd to "MAKE SOME NOISE," complete with fake decibel meter to measure exactly how much noise was being made. I stuck my finger in her little ear so she wouldn't go deaf in her sleep. She did enjoy the parts of the game she actually saw, although she rooted a lot harder for the scoreboard "race" of the Dunkin' Donuts bagel, doughnut, and cup of coffee than she did for the Bulls. However, the foodstuffs, particularly the cup of coffee, showed a lot more heart and slightly more athleticism than the Bulls, so maybe that's fair.

4. Yesterday I took time out of my busy schedule for the parent-teacher conference, in which I found out that my kid is wicked smart and talks too much. This was not news. But thanks for the expert opinion, schoolteacher!

5. Nora has had some weird word choices lately. It is not that she is using her bitchin' vocabulary inappropriately, but she sure is using it weirdly. For example:

Nora: Please pass the salt.
Me: Can I help you? It comes out pretty fast.
Nora: No, I want to dispense it myself.

Nora [playing with clay and delivering a running monologue]: Then you trim away the excess. [sighs dreamily] Don't you just love that word, "excess"?
Me: Uh, I guess so.
Nora [whispering]: Excess. Excess.


1. Saying OH LOOK YOU MADE A CAN! every time I see one of his flowchart database diagram thingies.

2. Sending him email where I take way too many words to ask his opinion on shit he does not care one bit about.

3. Becoming mopey and despondent every Sunday evening, particularly if there is no good football on. And then usually I start to complain about how I have to take a shower, and how much I hate taking showers (although I like being clean), and how if I could pay someone to shower for me I would. Sometimes I then go on to try and figure out exactly what this shower-service would be worth to me. Would I pay $100/month to never have to shower again? Hmmm, probably yes. I'd like to go month-to-month though, rather than lay out $1200 yearly. By this point LT is ready to stuff soapy washcloths in my mouth and hose me down outside, if it will make the loquacious procrastination stop.

4. Being so goddamn sexy. Ha! Kidding!


1. Eating at my desk and then becoming filled with self-disgust at the keyboard crumbs, which means I have to turn the thing over about once a day and BANG BANG BANG it on the desk for a half-assed cleaning. I am sure the sporadic sudden shotgun noises are great for everyone's concentration.

2. Muttering "no" each time the auto-updater thing asks me if I would "like" to restart my computer. It really would take less effort to restart than to click "no" all day long, but I am stubborn and contrary.

3. Closing my office door for no reason. Theoretically it's my door and I can have it closed if I want, but there is a real culture of leaving it open in that office and a closed door makes everyone think that you are firing someone, having a good long cry, looking at porn, or all three at once. (You know, like this: Boo hoo! You're fired! [click click, hand down pants] Sob!)

4. Being so goddamn sexy.

---mimi smartypants bet on the bagel.


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