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the latest
waddle: good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03 elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01 building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19 ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09 my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04
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I FEEL A BIT LIKE A BLOCK OF WOOD TODAY Only dumber. What else is new, you say? Oh that's very funny. Very funny indeed. I'm getting a little sick of your sass-mouth, sweetheart. Here's the latest from your favorite space cadet. I am sitting here eating a banana, and I finish eating the banana, and I am reading a Virginia Woolf essay about illness, which frankly isn't as good as I had hoped, and three pages later this thought crosses my mind: that my mouth tastes like banana, isn't that odd, and then I glance to the left and see the banana peel lying there because I had finished the banana moments before. And that would be why I have lingering banana flavor in my mouth. That would be why. Do you believe that I went to college? Because I sure don't. Maybe somebody slipped some time-release dumb-ass powder (wouldn't that be a cool invention? I would put it in the punch bowl and then watch the entire party stumble around with its mouth hanging open) into one or all three of my Sierra Nevadas last night at the bar. Who could have been the perpetrator of this dastardly deed? Certainly not S., as she wouldn't have a vested interest in making me stupider, because then I would not be such scintillating company. Perhaps it was the Somewhat Sexy Ex-Junkie Door Guy. He sat with us for a while, and I like him a lot because: he often has candy in his pockets, which he will share; he uses charmingly old-fashioned phrases such as "you ladies are a delight"; and he agreed with our theory that there is nothing scary about The Mummy. A big pile of bones and toilet paper shuffling super-slowly after me and kind of limping a little? Oh, I'm terrified. FUCK YOU MUMMY DO YOUR WORST. I also have the moronic loquacity today, and I have had trouble leaving phone messages. I can't stand it when people leave long-winded stumblemouthed voice mail messages on my phone, but today I feel a special kinship with the blah-blah brigade, as I did the exact same thing several times, digressing and stuttering and going around and around the point like...like a thing that goes around and around (I'M STUPID OKAY I CAN'T COME UP WITH FANCY SIMILES). The worst part is that my new high-tech phone has a timer thingy on it that lets you know how long you've been on the phone, and when you are trying to force words to leave your mouth in order, already a little panicky about how difficult it is, there's a whole other level of anxiety attack when you notice the duration for which you have been making no sense and when you think about how justifiably irritated the message recipient will be when they have to listen to your raspy contralto incoherence. STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES Stupid interview questions I have been asked: 1. How do you know you're a good listener? (Do you know how tempting it is to ask them to repeat the question?) 2. What was your favorite thing about college? (The drugs! The casual sex! Uh, I mean, the learning. Oh definitely the learning.) 3. What makes you really angry? (REALLY CUTE PUPPIES! I see a cute puppy and I just want to SMASHY-SMASH IT!) Stupid interview questions I want to ask, next time I have a victim: 1. You are a tree, and you are going to be logged. You are going to be so logged it's not even funny. Here comes a guy in a plaid flannel shirt to LOG YOUR TREE ASS! You get a choice of ending up as (a) pencils; (b) heirloom-quality furniture; or (c) paper on which some joker's lying-ass resume will someday be printed. Which would you choose? 2. Do you like to work under pressure? How many pounds per square inch? 3. Do you think you could learn to love me? A DREAM Last night, in the whole three hours of sleep my body decided to let me sleep, I had a dream that I was looking at a menu of beers and all the beer names had extensions on them, like RollingRock.pdf, SamAdams.htm, PabstBlueRibbon.doc.
LINKS This guy totally looks like an old boyfriend of mine, with only slightly worse hair. Totally. I am all spooked out now. Asparagus pee explained. Eep eep eep giant squid. BEST PICTURE EVER.
This guy made a real big pile of bananas. And this guy made a real big Gameboy. This band is going to make it real big. Dude. Iron Maiden lunchbox. Ever wondered what's up with that corpse-looking guy that Iron Maiden had as their mascot? This won't answer your questions. TODAY Besides having a functional blackout during which I ate a banana, today I also procrastinated a lot (deadlines? what? lines that are dead? I do not understand) and I voted my darn fool head just about clean off. All the election judges and other volunteers were eating donuts, and nobody offered me a donut. You want less apathy and more voter turnout? Give us better candidates, sure, that's what everyone says. But give us donuts and the polls would be packed. Illinois will get a new governor this year, but it's kind of been a boring race. And you don't have to vote for Lisa Madigan just because she's cute (but she is!), but don't vote for the other guy either if you value your uterus. Or someone else's uterus. If you have any uterine value whatsoever, don't vote for him. He also has more cops in his ads than you would see if people really were giving away free donuts at the polling places, despite not being endorsed by any sheriffs or police organizations at all, as far as I can tell. That tough-on-crime bullshit is so 1980s. That tough-on-crime bullshit be PLAYED OUT. I saw the following signs on my elliptical post-voting route to work: Mimi Hair Town (a whole town! made of hair! presided over by me!) Cosmos Insurance (wow, that's a big job and a lot of things can go wrong with the cosmos and I wonder what sort of deductible is involved) Adult Video From $4.99 (for years I have thought this was an advertisement or special promotion but today I looked really closely and it's the name of the store. The store has no other name anywhere on its signage. Adult Video from $4.99, that's all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.) ---mimi smartypants is a bit like an ice cube down the front of your pants. back/forward |
