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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2005-10-19 ... 12:58 p.m.

Nora has a cold, but it's the stealth kind of cold, the kind that only really gets evil at night. How wonderfully convenient for us diurnal, daytime-job-having folk! The only kid medicine I had in the house when the cold started was something called PediaCare "Nighttime Rest" (ha). I am not sure who was the moron, me or LT, but whoever bought it failed to notice that there is no dose listed for kids under six. Thus we do a bunch of BadParent math, guessing what the weight of a skinny six-year-old should be and then dividing by approximately two, and maybe erring a bit on the overdose side because while I don't want Nora's liver to fall out right there in the crib I sure would like to get in on a little of this "Nighttime Rest" action. Doesn't that sound lovely? Nighttime Rest.

I am going to prowl the drugstore aisles today on my lunch hour because it seems we need something stronger than Nighttime Rest, like maybe toddler-friendly, Dora-the-Explorer-branded, fortified wine or a dart gun. The coughing keeps my poor baby awake, as does the stuffy nose---this (early) morning she was moaning about how she "can't make it [snot, presumably] go away," and when I went in to help there was secondary freaking out about how her Pull-Up was wet, and how she doesn't want to pee-pee in her sleep, and why can't her vagina [sic] learn that? Nora really wants to sleep in underwear and is sad each morning to learn that she was not dry overnight, and I don't know whether to try and explain that the very fact that she routinely pees in her sleep means that abandoning the Pull-Ups is not such a good idea (with the secondary explanation that kid! You're only two! Cut yourself some slack!), or to let her try the underpants and experience the urine-soaked nighttime rest horror firsthand.

How the hell did I get on this classically dull pee-and-snot topic? Did a robot write this? A robot set on "mom" mode? Get away from me, evil robot!


Florida was okay.

1. We dug big holes on the beach, ran into the crashing surf screaming with our arms open wide (it is strangely fun to scream at the ocean---I even taught Nora how to shake her fist and yell, "I WILL DRAIN YOU!"), and played in the pool.

2. Nora fell in love with the hot tub and thus we ignored all the posted rules about hot tubs and children. Her insides are probably like overcooked goulash now and I may never get any grandchildren, but oh well. She continually asked for "the hot WATTA" in this adorable Jimmy Durante voice so what was I to do?

3. LT and Kat's husband went deep-sea fishing and actually caught edible things, which Kat and I then fried up with store-bought breading in a truly appalling division-of-gender-roles sort of way.

4. On the flight home I was flipping through the terrifying/awesome Sky Mall catalog and nearly choked on my own tongue at the prospect of amazing friends and guests with this lifesize and incredibly lifelike robotic animatronic chimpanzee. Hey! Look at me when I'm talking to you! Robotic! Animatronic! Chimpanzee! The research-and-development folks at Sharper Image are so obviously sitting around pulling bongs and challenging each other to come up with the next crazy thing. Then comes the delicate operation of deciding just what the price point of a robotic animatronic chimpanzee head should be. How much is too much? What would people be willing to pay for all that lifelike chimp action? It is hard to say.

Robotic animatronic chimpanzee, people! I FUCKING LOVE BEING ALIVE.

This Sky Mall ad for a roll-up piano (???) is also completely wonderful. BeardGuy takes FauxCher for a ride in his private jet, gives her a glass of champagne, and just to seal the deal, unrolls his electronic piano for a few sentimental love ballads. Oh yeah! You are so getting some, dude!

I am sorry there are so many robots in this post. I am still getting my head back together, between vacation and the Nora pestilence, but there will be more soon.

---mimi smartypants led a horse to water and a horticulture.


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