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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2002-08-01 ... 8:14 p.m.


1. Jesus fuck my head hurts. Can you have a time-release hangover? I was fine this morning and suddenly it feels like all my organs imploded at once. Yep, there goes my spleen.

2. Remember the snarled mess that The Thieving Ho put me through, nearly a year ago now? It was such a relief to put that cascade of identity-theft evil behind me. Or it WOULD BE, if it would ever end. Today I opened mail from the Secretary of State's office, and inside was a notice that my driver's license has been suspended. I was briefly confused, since I haven't driven a car in years, and thus there is no way I could have any tickets. But then I realized that of course, the Thieving Ho somehow managed to get a license with her picture but my information, and has racked up all these tickets, and it took the people at the Secretary of State's office until now to catch up to this, and now I have a suspended license. As if my week hasn't been crappy enough, tomorrow I get to call a GOVERNMENT AGENCY and try to get them to CHANGE SOMETHING. Oh boy this is going to be fun.


1. In the underwear department of Nordstrom's the other day (you just can't have too much), I noticed that their underwear mannequins were each wearing two pairs of underwear at once. Is this meant to be fashion advice? Are we supposed to wear two pairs of underwear now? In other fashion news, it looks like the "frilly ruffly flowy-sleeve hippie/peasant fake 1970s thing," which caused the small part of my brain devoted to criticizing other people's fashion choices to spontaneously hemorrhage in horror several times this year, will still be around in the fall. Sigh.

2. Why did someone nail a moldy piece of pizza, encased in a plastic bag, to a garage door a few buildings down from mine? I see this in the alley every morning, and I note the progress of the pizza's decay, and I wonder. Science project? Voodoo fetish? A warning from the Sicilian mafia? Good-luck talisman? Will someone come pick it up at some point? ("Listen, I have to go out for a while, but I'll nail your moldy pizza to the door. Just come by and get it whenever.")

3. Why are the "symptoms" on this list considered pathological and not just the basic everyday human condition? I mean, wouldn't you check at least a few of these things every day? The symptoms have to be "present for 2-3 weeks or longer." Try your whole freaking life.

4. Why can I not find a truly dark lipstick? I am always buying these things that look plenty dark in the tube but then end up being no big deal on me. There should be a line of really dark lipstick for those of us who are not all milky and creamy but instead have complexions like the Sun-Maid Raisin Girl. (Dude, that would be a totally excellent Halloween costume for me. Where can I get a big red bonnet?)

Wow. Who knew.

I usually hate it when people do weird self-congratulatory things like post transcripts of IM conversations. It smacks of OH LOOK AT ME I'M SO WITTY AND SO ARE MY FRIENDS. But did you know today is National Self-Congratulation Day? Indeed it is. And who am I not to jump on the first bandwagon available? To go leaping into that bandwagon without opening the door like Shaft, to slide across the hood like the Dukes Of Hazzard, to go peeling out like Rockford Files? Yes, that would be me. Besides, I wanted to get the fabulous money-making idea discussed in this snippet out in a public forum, in case any venture capitalists read this page and want to invest.

feedmewithyrkids: can bruisification become the next scarification?
mimi smartypants: brusification is so goth.
feedmewithyrkids: it's eXtreme, but goes away in 7 to 10 days.
feedmewithyrkids: we could open a bruisification parlor.
feedmewithyrkids: have people pay us $50 to punch them on the arm.
feedmewithyrkids: $80 for legs.
mimi smartypants: I'll hold 'em, you punch 'em.
feedmewithyrkids: $150 for face.
feedmewithyrkids: if only this fascist cocaine-chic trend holds out a few more years we may really be onto something.
feedmewithyrkids: then we can move up to more serious stuff like cosmetic teeth-crookeding.
mimi smartypants: I love money-making schemes that involve punching people.
feedmewithyrkids: especially pasty hipsters.
mimi smartypants: I like to bruise up the emo boys because they cry and drip blood on their belle and sebastian t-shirts. It's funny.
mimi smartypants: and then they give us $150.
mimi smartypants: everyone wins!
feedmewithyrkids: where do you want to open our first bruisification parlor?
mimi smartypants: uptown. we gotta be ahead of the ghetto curve.
feedmewithyrkids: uptown is only 6 months from gentrifying.
feedmewithyrkids: as soon as Woolworth's is torn down for the new Borders that place is over and done with.
mimi smartypants: goldblatt's.
feedmewithyrkids: right.
feedmewithyrkids: duhhh.
mimi smartypants: and the tam o'shanter helig-meyer store.
feedmewithyrkids: and the CRAFTY BEAVER.
feedmewithyrkids: maybe we should make a website promoting the new fad of bruisification.
mimi smartypants: we need really cool, dark graphics.
mimi smartypants: and really hott chicks with bruises.
feedmewithyrkids: if they're willing to be bruised.
mimi smartypants: they will be once we tell them it's cool.
mimi smartypants: and feature it in the right hipster magazines and websites.
feedmewithyrkids: it will be the next trendy makeoutclub spinoff. bruisedupclub.

Fashion bruises are going to be the next big thing. You may want to get in on the ground floor. Contact me for further details.

---mimi smartypants dreams of rubber cement.


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