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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2001-07-27 ... 11:41 p.m.

I forgot to wear a bra today. I just, how you say, plumb forgot. This was not the hugest crisis, nor did it spark an international incident. I say that in case some of you adult women out there might be thinking, "What would happen if I didnít wear a bra today?" The answer is: Nothing special.

Of course, not wearing a bra for me is no big deal, and is not even terribly titillating (heh heh, she said titillating) because, as they say in seventh grade, I am a charter member of the Itty-Bitty Titty Committee and thus have not much need for an Over-The-Shoulder Boulder Holder.

I did, however, make the mistake of joking about this bralessness (yes, I can talk again! I sound a bit like a drunken husky-voiced Joan Crawford, but I can talk) to this guy at work whom I sort of flirt with, in that sad-ass way that married people flirt when they know the flirting will safely go nowhere, and I could see by the slightly bug-eyed look that he got that he had no idea about my lack of bosom support, and that while he was not turned on by my breasts per se, he was sort of turned on by the IDEA of my braless breasts, if that makes any sense at all, and I was sorry the minute the words left my mouth since it was clearly the wrong thing to say, and now I am probably going to get brought up on sexual harassment charges or something.

Some things that are frightening: (1) Tom DeLay. (2) The time, money, and energy devoted to things like Jurassic Park 3. (3) Really small dogs. (They just freak me out. I donít know why. Every time I see an extremely small dog, I just think, Man, your dog is awfully small. You might want to consider getting a bigger dog.) (4) Baseball fans, in particular drunk baseball fans who take the El about once a year, so they have no idea where they're going and no knowledge of the common decency etiquette rules of taking the El, so they park their miserable fat bloated baseball fan bodies smack in front of the door and will not budge one inch or move to the center of the train car, oh and they also insist on exhaling their Budweiser breath right in my face for the entire ride. (Awww, did someone have a difficult commute today?) (5) Cows. (Shut up, cows are frightening. Their eyes are so blank. Plus, if a cow felt like it, she could totally kill you. They weigh several hundred pounds, you know.) (6) A T-shirt I saw recently that said, "Danger Slut." With no punctuation it's hard to know how to take that. Is it a warning, like "Danger! Slut!" Or is it a superhero thing, like "Da da da da! DANGERSLUT!" I guess we'll never know.

---mimi smartypants


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