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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2003-07-14 ... 9:26 a.m.


1. Bad things happen when people take themselves too seriously. See Martin Amis, Lou Reed, too many online diarists to count.

2. My very handy LT has been painting our spare back bedroom, which is much more involved than a home-improvement novice like me could have ever dreamed: spackling the cracks in the walls, sanding, painting the trim and baseboards, painting the ceiling, applying primer. We have not even gotten to the applying-color stage yet, but I have vaguely decided on a light green (one with more yellow tones than blue), and there are two swatches I like in particular: "Serengeti Plain" and "Zen Mist." It bugs me that those names are in the same color family, since they seem so radically opposed. A macho Hemingway in khakis sipping gin vs. a monk on the mountaintop in the morning.

3. I like to casually toss off that LT has been "busy painting," like I am married to some brooding Van Gogh man who sulks around the house all day in a beret and smock, sucking down cigarettes and absinthe. (Boy would that be annoying.)

4. I wish they made soda in half-cans. Or that cans held somewhere around eight ounces. That seems to be the right amount of soda for me.

5. Montaigne on thumbs.

6. You can have ten frogs, but not one hundred twenty-three.

7. The other day I mercilessly teased this boy I know for referring to "classic Weezer." As opposed to, you know, all that avant-garde Weezer. When a band has a top-40 hit right out of the starting gate, you cannot exactly play the "I liked them before they got popular" game. Oh how I love teasing these types of boys, they are such easy targets. I want to tie them up with their striped sweaters and threaten to break their glasses. I want to step on them in stiletto heels until they cry and drip snot on their vintage Dinosaur Jr. t-shirts. This is my small emo domination fantasy.

8. I was poking around in a rarely-used file drawer in my office just now, looking for a file of reports that I mysteriously did not have on my computer,* and I found an unopened bag of gummi worms that I did not know I had, and that I do not remember secreting away in such a squirrel-like fashion. And although I had not consumed any delectable gelatinous nematodes in weeks, I immediately fell upon the package like a starving Hun and ate half of it. Then I called my sponsor. Turned in my chip.

*And believe me, I have just about everything on my computer. Piles of paper drive me batty, particularly when the information contained therein can be delivered or stored electronically. Not everyone feels the same way, as I discovered when my boss left me a PRINTOUT of an E-MAIL, and wrote on the Post-It, "Please comment and return." WHY GOD WHY.

9. Reading this made me laugh, although it was not meant to do so.

10. I need to buy a copy of Cosmo Girl! because I am curious about something: Cosmopolitan is all about blowjobs. Presumably, the version of Cosmo meant for teenagers is not all about blowjobs. Just when is this transition from good girl to sexkitten supposed to happen, in Cosmo's worldview? The implications for visions of femininity as seen through the lens of fashion magazines are pretty significant when a sex-focused magazine like Cosmopolitan starts a magazine for young girls. I think I am going to start some sort of extant grad school, for people like me who reject* the notion of formalized academia with all its useless hoops to jump through and grants to get, but who still itch to write hundreds of thousands of words on things like this.

*I revised that sentence twice: originally it was "gag on the notion," then "spit on the notion," and then I decided that given the subject matter in the previous sentences we should avoid all such colorful turns of phrase.

11. Schopenhauer thought a standard greeting should be "Welcome, fellow sufferer."

12. Andy Warhol was on an episode of The Love Boat (you can do your own Googling if you don't believe me). This thought has been captivating me all day. I think it counts as the highlight of his career.


I got all my hair cut off and the breeze on my neck is a lovely thing to feel. A friend exclaimed, "Oh you have the cute lesbian hair!" and I do not know exactly what that means, but if any cute lesbians want to concur I would be just fine with that. It's sort of a straight chin-length Jane-Lane bob and shorter in the back. I may be able to finally end my endless one-night stands, jumping from hairdresser to hairdresser, now that I have found Rob. He listened well to my demands which were:

(a) low maintenance
(b) nothing that flips out at the ends in a cutesy Gidget nightmare
(c) don't make me look like anyone famous, like a sorority girl, or like a Lincoln Park mom.

Of course, I was ready to have Rob's little gay hairdresser children just for the fact that he used his nails to lightly scratch my scalp all over as he washed my hair. The Mimi loves to be scritched.


feedmewithyrkids: I wonder how long the average person goes looking at stuff online before seeing porn. I run across it so often I can't help but be nonchalant about it, which is problematic in public. I was just looking at e-mails and then BOOM! ANAL SEX.
smartypantsmimi: People are funny about porn.
smartypantsmimi: Someone at work once was talking about catching her kid looking at computer porn and I asked, "What kind of porn?" and that was apparently a weird/wrong question to ask.
smartypantsmimi: The shocked silence kind of thing.
feedmewithyrkids: Then you have to acknowledge your kid has a preference.
smartypantsmimi: But wouldn't that matter to you?
feedmewithyrkids: Yes.
feedmewithyrkids: Straight or gay?
feedmewithyrkids: Plain vanilla or cock gagging w/ bondage?
smartypantsmimi: Extremely violent?
feedmewithyrkids: Exactly.
feedmewithyrkids: Porn is porn for some people I guess.
smartypantsmimi: And doesn't everyone look at weirdo porn at least once, just to see if it exists and such?
feedmewithyrkids: No kidding. The whole "girl fucking a goat" thing.
smartypantsmimi: Then you can be like, "Okay. That's out there. And I saw it. Moving on."
feedmewithyrkids: Your worldview is cemented. The stuff does exist. People do make it. There is a market for it, etc.
smartypantsmimi: I still would like to interview a bestiality actress, just to ascertain what her deal is.
feedmewithyrkids: How screwed up are they?
smartypantsmimi: I wonder if it's a one-time deal for most girls or do some specialize in it?
feedmewithyrkids: And is it just pure self-loathing or do they really feel like they have a legitimate sexual attraction to animals?
feedmewithyrkids: There's a lot of literary bestiality porn out there that is geared towards "lifestyle" bestiality. Going out to the woods to find a deer to have sex with and stuff, w/ this whole "communion w/ nature" business.
smartypantsmimi: Oh god. Let's get some LL Bean sponsorship. A timberland tie-in.
feedmewithyrkids: It looks like isn't up right now. That's another one.
smartypantsmimi: If you forced me to make a list of animals I consider sexy, dolphins would not be on it.
smartypantsmimi: Smug bastards.

---mimi smartypants reminds the defendant that he is under oath.


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