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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2006-06-14 ... 11:42 a.m.


1. I hate being completely sleepy only a few swallows into my at-home beer. I talked LT into walking to Mean Sikh Liquors* because I really wanted some beer, and I had visions of us watching dumb television and giggling together, an evening activity that has been left by the wayside too long in favor of the never-ending painting/sanding/plastering (not in that order) living room project. Instead, I drink half a Rohypnol High Life and go tottering off to bed. I think I need the bar atmosphere or at the very least the sociability of other people to get a true drunk on anymore---with just LT around, who I know will neither mock my sleepiness (much) nor draw on my unconscious body with magic markers, the lure of my cozy bed is just too strong.

*This neighborhood liquor store briefly closed and then reopened under new management, and thus now we really should call it "Friendly, Jolly Gujarati Liquors." But "Mean Sikh" has a better ring to it, and by now we even leave off the "liquor store" portion entirely and just say we are headed out to Mean Sikh.

2. A little girl yakked everywhere on the bus this morning. Everywhere. There was splatter. It seemed to be mostly cereal and milk. I was far enough away from it to not have sympathetic hurl-urges, but it still was not pleasant. I felt bad for the mom, who pretty obviously was on the way to daycare dropoff and now has a whole other plan for the day.

3. Throw-up on the bus is an urban experience that I, in a sense, signed up to have. But skunk season always takes me by surprise. Skunks! Right here in the city! They seem to enjoy shooting their skunk-wads right under my bedroom window, too. It is so weird to be woken up by a smell. It is even weirder to encounter a bad smell and not be able to locate its source---usually "what's that smell?" is easily answered by just a quick look around ("wino," "spilled container of kimchee on the bus floor," "dirty child with full diaper and couldn't-care-less gum-chewing, headphone-wearing mother.") But the skunk is gone, baby. He's like, "Smell me later." Ha! Okay, that was only funny to me.

4. When LT and I went out for a fancy, kid-free meal to celebrate our wedding anniversary, we put on grown-up clothes and our best behavior. We faked like we understood what the waiter was talking about when he elaborated the specials, many of which were accompanied by various "emulsions," "foams," and "gastriques." Then, a combination of my absentmindedness and a candle that was too tall for its holder caused me to set the wine list on fire. It was a very small fire, more of a light singeing, but still. I think this was kind of fabulous, as a sort of shout-out/warning to the schmancy restaurant: THIS IS WHO YOU ARE DEALING WITH TONIGHT. WATCH THE FUCK OUT FOR THE NERDS AT TABLE 7.

5. Yeah it kind of does. Maybe we should split.

6. The "EMF Safety Superstore" is one of the Google results for "tinfoil underpants." Since the underpants in question are really made out of "silver-plated, stretchable, washable nylon mesh," that suggests that this company bought "tinfoil underpants" as Google words. And that is really what cracks my shit up.

7. Proper tinfoil underpants would not work at all, as I am sure they would bunch up something fierce under trousers and then you'd have a tinfoil wedgie. Plus, all the crinkling in the bathroom. Men would unbutton and everyone would be like "why does that guy have a takeout gyro in his pants...oh. That's just his penis."

8. From the back seat:

Nora [surprised and awed]: Mommy.
Me: Yes?
Nora: I am looking at my leg. And I see a teeny, tiny, itty, bitty, very small hair!
Me: Yeah. People are mammals, just like cats and horses and raccoons. We have hair on our bodies.
Nora: This is my first leg hair!
Me: Uh, great.
Nora: It's because I'm growing up!
Me: Rock on.
Nora [mostly to herself]: I am growing and growing. I will eat good food and get good sleep and I will grow LOTS of leg hair.

The kid has goals. Considering her ethnicity, she is unlikely to ever be as hairy as she wants to be, but dare to dream!

---mimi smartypants drives around in a van solving mysteries.


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