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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2004-05-12 ... 5:25 a.m.

If Sunday had been any other holiday supposedly devoted to me, such as my birthday or wedding anniversary, I would be much crankier right now. But it was Mother's Day, so in a certain historical/karmic sense it almost seems fitting that so much of the day was devoted to drama and drudgery. I did four loads of laundry (five if you count Purple Dog going through on the delicate cycle),* I dealt with Nora's day-long teething-related whining and crabbing** (and I think my own teeth were clenched about 11% of the time), and I (and she) got completely soaked in a sudden downpour on the way back from the playground. I hate getting wet without my full consent and now we know that Nora does too. She was crying and carrying on, and one can go only so fast while pushing a stroller, particularly if one has been nearly blinded by sheets of water streaming down the glasses, and the canopy thingy on the stroller is not doing jack, and hi I am Nora's mommy and also a contestant in this afternoon's Chippewa Park Wet T-Shirt Contest. At least Creepy Dad, a gaunt and weatherbeaten guy whose furtive expression and inappropriate breast-level stare fairly scream "I just got out of prison," and who rather grimly chases his shrieking (with glee, one hopes) young son around the playground while chanting "I'm going to get you, I'm going to get you" in a monotone was not there. The last thing I need is to be caught in a rainstorm anywhere near Creepy Dad, that is just way too Cape Fear for me.

*Purple Dog, because Nora loves him and chews on his head as she falls asleep, smelled horrible. Like old formula and morning-breath and even a slight undertone of stale coffee mixed in (Nora, do you have a secret cappuccino maker stashed in the crib? Because some days, that would explain a lot). Purple Dog washes up well but just in case a second Purple Dog has been purchased, and on Sunday I washed them together to even out the smell and level of wear and then made an unobtrusive switch. Then, if (GOD FORBID) Purple Dog ever went missing, Purple Dog II can hopefully step right in without a certain someone crying foul. Aren't I clever? Just wait, Nora has probably put some hologram or ultraviolet-light mark on Purple Dog and my plan will never work, but at least I tried.

**When you are overwhelmed and in pain and tantrummy and in desperate need of love and comfort, make sure you cling my leg and wail, and then throw your arms up straight over your head so it is impossible to pick you up, and then wail even louder because you weren't picked up, then throw yourself to the floor, then cry because that hurt. After about an hour of this I will shove some Motrin down your throat and you can lie in my lap with your thumb in your mouth, hiccupping a little, and we can look at the IKEA catalog together, because for some reason you get REALLY REALLY UPSET when I try to read anything but the IKEA catalog or that stupid board book about different types of food. And if it's a toss-up between two utterly plotless and non-narrative items of reading material, the IKEA catalog will win since at least it has funny words like POANG and GRUNSTIG.

Download these immediately.

Here is a capybara.

Okay, I have to go to Seattle now. Seriously, I need to leave for the airport in about an hour, and I should NOT be fucking around on Diaryland, I should be waking up Nora and trying to get some juice and Cheerios into her, and gathering up our ridiculous amount of luggage, and saying one last prayer that she continues to be her cute adaptable self and does not get all screamy on the plane, which may cause me to have a breakdown right there in the aisle amidst all our goldfish-cracker crumbs and finger puppets. Maybe I could get on that airline reality show if that happens! Or maybe they at least have some good onboard injectable tranquilizers and I can travel in doped-up style like a rock star.

---mimi smartypants will be your captain today.


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