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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2008-05-01 ... 10:54 a.m.


I was late to work yesterday for the cutest reason ever. Nora has suddenly learned to really read, rather than just having a handful of sight words and a moderate grasp of phonics. I was all set in my mind that she would be entering kindergarten as a "pre-reader" (and that would have been JUST FINE), but now it looks like I have to discard that idea. So anyway, could you walk out on the five-year-old who is fizzing with pride that she can read YOU a story? Sorry kid, save your brilliance for the evening because I have to catch this train? I could not.

It would have been better to be late because of oversleeping. I went to see Northern State,* got in at midnight, got up at five, and I am old so this schedule does not work anymore. Even without beer. Okay, there was one beer. But it was actually consumed before the show started! And we cannot blame one lousy little beer for my Elmo-eyed** state.

*Great show. Northern State were OFF THE HOOK. (I am about 95% sure what this means.) This latest album makes me want to cruise the streets all summer with my windows down. Aw yeah! Just look for the bitchin' Toyota Camry with the booster seat in the back!

**Eyelids kept drooping, I would force them open in an unnatural way, cool air rushed in and created unpleasant sensation of having ping-pong balls for eyes, image of Elmo's fat exophthalmic face rose unbidden in mind. Ugh.


Reading this bazillion-word refrigerator review is quite soothing (click on "Read Reviews"). Almost as soothing as the lights inside the fridge itself!

All in all, I'd say this is a refrigerator for adults. Between the allure of the illuminated lighting on the control panel (kids just want to punch those buttons all the time AND play with the ice and water dispensers), the easily scratchable stainless shelf edges, the height of the refrigerator compartment, and the tendency for stainless steel to collect fingerprints, I'd say this refrigerator requires a more careful user. That said, my husband says he loves the interior lighting, it calms him down. The saleslady at the Home Depot said it made her feel like she was at a Disco (it's so cool), and I just think it's nice to have light blue lights that aren't too glaring. There's something very spacey about them.

That line about the husband being calmed down by the refrigerator lights makes me laugh each time I read it. HULK WANT TURKEY SANDWICH! LOW-BLOOD-SUGAR HULK! ARRGGGGH! Oh...Hulk calmer now. Pretty fridge lights. Ahhh.

Speaking of husbands, this Married To The Sea comic kills me dead and if I could purchase a print of it to have in my house I would laugh every single day. Hint hint Mr. Drew. Over and out.


1. This is a rant about how much I hate everything. I was going to say "brainwashed people" or "fucktastic beauty standards and fatphobia" or "fashion" but the hate is all kind of wrapped up in a ball of everything. The other day I was embroiled in female small talk about summer clothing. I said something about how I do not appreciate summer clothing very much, because most of it does not have enough fabric. I further explained how I do not care to show my limbs or my cleavage or my bootylicious behind to the general public, I prefer to save that for my own personal Sex Bedroom or Thursday night at SuperJugggs McDryhump's. Just ask for "Mimi" and bring some twenties!

Someone involved in this conversation looked genuinely puzzled and said, "But you're not fat."

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE. I decided to give her a chance to command-option-Esc and force quit, so I said, "What?" And then she said it again, "You're not fat!"

Bitch, did I say one word about fat? I said I don't particularly like being half-naked in public. You are the queen of non-sequiturs and it would be funny if it weren't so fucking sad and lame and violently depressing. It is as if I professed a hatred of strawberries and you are now puzzled because I am not Jewish.

2. That very same day I went to the post office and while I was standing in line a lady at the counter started throwing a huge-ass tantrum. She went postal in the post office! I don't know how it started. It seems she did not like what the postal clerk had to say and all of a sudden it was about "respect." Tantrum Lady was not being respected at the post office. I almost started laughing right then and there because you want respect? At the post office? Isn't their motto something about "through rain and snow and gloom of night, we will shit in the customer's mouth"?

She ended up SPITTING ON THE FLOOR and walking out. That's right, she wanted respect so she hawked up a gob of phlegm on the floor and left the establishment. All the postal employees were deeply moved by her righteous crusade and refusal to compromise her human dignity, it was like Gandhi marching to the sea. Are Eee Ess Pee Eee See Tea. Yes.


LT hurt his back pretty badly at the gym so he is hobbling around like an old person and I have to wash Nora's hair each night. Sucks to be her because I am not nearly as careful as he is about the whole water-on-the-face thing. Water on the face, big deal, it's water! Not bleach! Not cobra venom! I love my child and I make tons of concessions for her but come on.

The doctor says it is a herniated disk. LT is improving each day but not fast enough to suit me, and it is frustrating because there is nothing I can do to help. Except provide blowjobs. Even that does not seem to be helping but LT says that sometimes it takes a while to build up therapeutic levels. Aye aye, Captain!

---mimi smartypants steps through the fog and creeps through the smog.


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