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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2002-04-09 ... 9:50 a.m.

I know I said RIDICULOUS was the best Chicago Sun-Times Weather Word ever, but just you wait. Oh just you wait. Because today is SASSY.


I've been winking and blowing kisses and cocking my hip at all and sundry, ever since I learned that today is SASSY. I'm a strumpet, a tart, a saucy little vixen, a wanton trollop, and so is the Chicago weather.

The Homer Simpson Countdown to Shavuot is kind of freaking me out. But wait there's more.

Also, I was thinking today about what if all the kosher rules went out the window tomorrow? If all the rabbis got together and said, "Whoops, we were wrong," or if it turns out that whole section of Leviticus was a forgery or something, it would take a while for everyone who kept kosher to change over to the new way. That's where a marketing consultant could come in handy, to launch a campaign to get people used to the new way of eating. I even thought of a slogan: IT'S TRAYF-TASTIC! Or UNCLEAN CUISINE IS PEACHY KEEN! Or how about CLAM OR HAM, WHO GIVES A DAMN?

Oh, I am so going to hell. Here's some unusual kosherriffic facts you may not have known:

How to ritually slaughter a latke.

It is possible to make kosher haggis, but it sounds like a LOT more trouble than haggis is worth.

Ferrets are trayf as well. God does not want you to eat a ferret.


The first thing I do on getting home from work: Take off all my clothes. Because nothing says "the workday is over" like total nudity.

The first thing I said the LT the morning after our wedding: "Wake up, it's 10 am, we've got to get to breakfast." This was a total lie, it was only 7:30 am. But I hadn't eaten in about 24 hours and seriously didn't have long to live. Would you rather have a lying-ass wife or a dead wife?

The first thing(s) I do when I get up in the morning: Push The Cat off my head. Find pajamas and robe. Drink juice. Preferably 100% cranberry, or grape, or grapefruit: anything, really, except orange or tomato. Just a few swallows for rehydration. Then start the kettle for tea, check e-mail, etc.

The first thing I do when I get to work: Turn all the lights on, since I go to work so early. Answer voice mail and e-mail. Reshuffle and reorganize The Pile. Start the kettle (electric) for yet more tea.

WEIRD FASHION MEMORIES WITH SPECIFIC FRIENDS: What I was wearing when I met Kat: baggy black ankle-length pants splattered with paint, thrift store army shirt, Chuck Taylor basketball shoes, gothy bat earrings. (I was quite uncharacteristically aggressive with my friendship, too, walking up to her on the street and grilling her about the apartment building (since I was about to move in) and then later showing up at her door with a six-pack.) What I was wearing when I met LT: black and white catholic-schoolgirl uniform skirt, combat boots, white dress shirt, black tie. (We met across a crowded room at a cocktail reception thing: he was too chicken to actually come and meet me, though, so settled for being all loud and funny in my general direction. Eventually I thought, "okay fine, I'll do it" and walked over to where he was.) What I was wearing when I met that guy: long black skirt, white dress shirt and tie (okay, this is getting embarrassing. I did not realize how often I dress in pseudo-drag.) What I was wearing when I met H: Dead Kennedys T-shirt, pin-striped sportcoat, black cargo pants. (We differ on whether the first thing I said to him was "Got a cigarette?" or "Hey, aren't you the guy who got stabbed in the leg last week?")

The first thing I do when I hear the song "Little Mouth" by Sleater-Kinney: Turn it all the way up, jump around.

The first thing I think when I see a fire truck speeding down the street: Is it going to my house? Is today finally the Day of Great Tragedy that my doom-oriented brain fully expects?

My first adult apartment in Chicago: Was way too small.

The first time I took acid: I was completely charmed by a particular hallucination---every time someone spoke, multicolored static would flow out of the speaker's mouth, like the words themselves were being transmitted to me in a particle/wave fashion.

The first albums I ever bought with my own money: Talk Talk by Psychedelic Furs, and Beauty and the Beat by The Go-Gos.

(Enough of this.)

Not only is there a lot of disgusting garbage in my alley today, but I was treated to the sight and sound of someone vomiting in the Grand Avenue subway stop. That's not very SASSY.

---mimi smartypants is made of genuine cubic zirconia.


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