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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2008-03-31 ... 9:09 a.m.


Nora now has an ant farm---the newfangled kind, with gel for the ants to tunnel through AND eat, isn't it convenient when food is the same as building material. That is why I built my house out of Triscuits. I helped her fill out the mail-order ant coupon---the squares for entering your name were awfully small so I did that part, although she successfully spelled and wrote SEND ANTS SOON on the back of the card. Which was unnecessary, but perhaps helpful to the ant-order-processor. How would you like that job? "I send ants through the mail." Count the ants, sort the ants, package the ants, mail the ants. Did Devo ever write a song about mail-order ant processing? They really should have.


It is spring break week, and I will soon be taking a few days off so Ms. Nora can jabber at me about Star Wars for long, uninterrupted-by-school hours. She also wants to play chess all the freaking time. What a NERD. I hate chess. Luckily, she has been introduced to the concept of online games, and recently spent some time getting her ass kicked on a kids' chess site by what was probably a fifth-grader. Not really fair but whatever. Maybe a little dose of humiliation will get her over the chess thing.

That said, I love my little girlgeek, and I am sad that I cannot take the whole of spring break off. Tomorrow I have to be in the office for a stupid reason, so I am going to bring her with me so she can draw and socialize and poke around on the internet. Hypocrite me, because normally I do not love it when people bring their children to work, but my kid is different! Obviously! Okay, it's not different, but we won't be here long, I have an office with a door, and we will enjoy a lengthy lunch in the cafeteria, where Nora will be allowed to order the ultimate Kindergarten Fantasy Meal---grilled cheese, french fries, and chocolate milk. More saturated fats, please!


A few nights ago I was one of very few women at the Boredoms show, and although I heard a faint ringing until about noon today no actual blood came from my eardrums, nor have any of my innards liquefied. Seriously on the M/F ratio, though, I would have put it at about 4:1. And all the girls who were there (except me, of course) were WAY cute and WAY by themselves. I guess they didn't have noisy friends who liked the noise. Noisy boys, I hope you got lucky after the show. Noisy boys, both Jews and goys. Noise annoys. Buzzcocks. Something.

If aural assaults can have a "cute" component, the Boredoms' came pre-show, right after soundcheck, when an adorable Japanese toddler was carried out of the auditorium wearing pigtails and serious headphone-style ear protection. Aw, the Boredoms travel with their babies.

You know who could use a good dose of the Boredoms? My upstairs neighbor, who usually plays his hideous selection of music at an inaudible or normal volume. But every once in a while he decides to kick out the jams in a major way. Usually, especially on a weekend, I will just grit my teeth and get through it. Recently, however, I had to say something. The music was ridiculously loud, and although I did not recognize the artist I certainly recognized it as crap. And then, my friends, "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go." That's when I realized that Upstairs Guy had been playing an entire Wham! album at top fuckstick volume. That bears repeating: he was not just having a brief nostalgia-wank over a hit 1980s single. He was plowing through the entire oeuvre of Messers Michael and Ridgeley.

So with PMS and two glasses of wine roaring through my veins, I went upstairs to either ask him to turn it down or to beat him to death. I figured I could decide on the spot when he opened the door. When he did open the door I actually did neither one for a moment, because I was so stunned by the "actually listening to Wham!" thing that I couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't "are you fucking kidding me?" Luckily he immediately said, "Too loud?" and I nodded dumbly, and everything is fine now except I have trouble seeing him around the building without thinking: Wham. Wham? Wham!

---mimi smartypants has no time to lose.


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