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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2002-03-28 ... 5:13 a.m.


[snip] You know how sometimes you don't know whether to laugh or cry?

[snap] Note to self: (1) Quit my job. (2) Find a coach. (3) Obtain sponsorship (Kraft?). (4) Become a world-class cheeseracer. (Note to self number two: Stop making notes to self in open forum.)

[blip] This is my new favorite thing on the internet. How much is inside?

[crunch] Dr Bunsen Honeydew and nipple clamps. Wouldn't he look great in bondage gear? All round and melon-headed? And Beaker, spread out on a rack, meeping in pleasure and pain. (Ahem. Must stop now.)

[pow] Sometimes I prefer the vague half-asleep entries in my dream journal to the detailed ones. Such as: "We were trying to do something. Something with squares, with grids. Like bingo cards. All was leathery, accidental." In very bad sleepy handwriting.

[eep] William Grimes has written a hysterically funny article in yesterday's New York Times (registration required) food section about Pirate Booty. I have never tried Pirate Booty, although you'd think I would have, seeing how it involves both PIRATES and BOOTY. I like pirates, and I like booty. (Some pirates liked booty too.) William Grimes didn't think this snack was all that and says that Cheetos are better. I LOVE the thought of sending William Grimes, of all people, to review cheese doodle snacks. If I were his editor I would definitely do something sadistic like that.

[squeak] I don't think anyone will be too surprised if I tell you that for a while "Ahhh...sweet liquor eases the pain" was the shutdown sound on my PC. Or that I had a favorite liquor store as a child, and used to beg my father to take me along on beer runs. (This particular liquor store also gave out Bazooka bubble gum, all sugary and impossible to chew and with the incomprehensible archaic comics.) Or that when I was about five years old I became very enamored of that Lowenbrau song and, much to my mother's annoyance, used to sing it in my surprisingly deep child's voice on car trips or in the bathtub.

However, Mimi Smartypants reminds you to drink responsibly. Responsibly often.

[thwap] In other news, Freezer Bear seems to have fans now. The fame won't affect him much. He is a very laid-back and self-possessed bear. One e-mail correspondent suggested that he have "adventures" outside the freezer. Listen: this cannot be. Would you suggest taking a dolphin to the roller rink? Would you suggest that your cat enlist in the Air Force? Freezer Bear lives in the freezer. That is his environment. He does thank you for your interest, though, and says to stop by the next time you're in the neighborhood and want a popsicle or some ice-cold vodka. He'll be home.

[bloop] The horror. My father is having a birthday (he does that every year) and thus I recently had to go to the Virgin MegaWhore around the corner here (evil but convenient) and buy him the (get ready, deep breath) Jimmy Buffet CD that he wanted. Of course I have trouble walking by any words or music for sale without picking up something for myself so I ended up also buying this (in the bargain bin!) and this. The clerk, bless him, held up the Jimmy Buffet and said smirkingly, "One of these things is not like the others." I confessed that the CD was for my father, and then the clerk and I shared a brief moment of smug fascist hipster cred, although in retrospect, just to fuck with him, I should have gotten all offended and pretended like I was a huge Jimmy Buffet fan. Snort.

---mimi smartypants inserts her pithy slogan here.


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