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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2002-03-22 ... 10:37 a.m.

What gruff contralto, her hour come round at last, slouches toward the teakettle to be reborn? (Answer: Me!)

Get ready, it's your dream come true...


Get the small bag. Anything larger than the standard vending-machine size is too overwhelming. It goes without saying (but apparently it doesn't) that you can't eat M&Ms on the run. Sit down somewhere. Why are you in such a hurry anyway? Sit or stand in front of a hard flat horizontal surface (kitchen table, desk, bar). Now tear open the bag and pour the M&Ms out onto that surface. (If your surface looks none too clean, you can always lay down a napkin or paper towel first; however, if it seems "clean enough" I recommend you take your chances with the germs because the skittery sliding sound and feel of M&Ms on a hard flat horizontal surface is part of the overall experience.) Now: separate the M&Ms by color. Each color in its own little fiefdom. Before you protest, listen well: now is not the time for your convoluted fucked-in-the-head metaphors about world harmony and integration. This is merely candy we have in front of us, not a multiethnic neighborhood, and a simple color-sorting algorithm is what we are after. Here is the fun part. The fun part is coming now.


You need to decide on a system. In what order will you consume each colored pile? There are many options here: Roy G. Biv, Least-Pleasing Color to Most-Pleasing Color (this one is unscientific and thus not as desirable), Backwards Alphabetical by Color Name,* or my favorite, Statistical Significance. That is, eat the color pile with the fewest M&Ms, and then eat the one with the next fewest M&Ms, and so on until you reach the pile with the most M&Ms, which is always the dark brown pile: YEAH! GO DARK BROWN! DARK BROWN WINS BY VIRTUE OF ITS SUPERSATURATION OF THE M&M UNIVERSE! If two piles have the same number of M&Ms you can use alphabetical as the tie-breaker: GREEN before ORANGE, for example.

(*This is a modification/workaround of Alphabetical by Color Name, because to do it forwards would mean that yellow would be last, and that cannot happen because yellow is bad.)

Some people contend that you can just eat M&Ms by the handful with no system and with no regard to color. I find these people alarming.

That mind/body problem has come back to haunt me. I've really got to get a new obsession, this one is played out but I canít leave it alone. Here's a really excellent introduction to thinking about this sort of thing, if you'd like to join me in hair-twirling, pen-chewing, staring-out-the-window abstraction. And here is another article that (rather elegantly, methinks) dispenses with that whole "theory of consciousness by way of quantum mechanics" thing that academic philosophers have been kicking around for more than ten years now. That shit be tired, yo.

That quantum consciousness site is all wonky now, although it was fine a minute ago, so here is some other stuff if you are hungry for input.

Picture of an umiak. Another picture of an umiak. Oh why not, a third picture of an umiak. How many people can fit in a umiak?

---mimi smartypants is filing her nails while they're dragging the lake.


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