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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2003-03-21 ... 3:15 p.m.


Jerk your own adventure. Definitely owes something to the ever-fabulous Leisuretown, which should just be a comic book already. I'd buy it.

I found this page through following up on some stupid comments about vegetarians (can't we just agree that your choice of pie-hole stuffing is a personal decision not to be commented upon?) But I stayed for this:

Flavor crystals that crackle in your mouth were featured by one exhibitor at the Institute of Food Technologists annual meeting in June. Popular with children as Pop Rocks candy, the substance is also available in a powdered form. Their most unusual application? One sausage maker incorporates the crystals for extra sizzle when you bite into his hot dogs.

The gold Pontiac Sunfire is my favorite.


I may have mentioned the obsessive appreciation I have for retarded police "reality" shows like World's Scariest Shoot-Outs, World's Wildest Police Videos, and World's Drunkest Shirtless Rednecks Who Like To Make Sudden Moves Around Twitchy Highway Patrolmen. It is not even really the footage of cars spinning out at 90 miles an hour that makes me wiggle with happiness and raise the Old Style tallboy in celebration, but the rhetoric. Damn I love the language of this show. Sherriff John Bunnell, the man with teeth so white they make me shriek and gibber with terror,* does something ludicrously action-heroic like get into a helicopter while talking about "crazed criminals" and "maniacal madmen" (World's Wildest Police Whatevers is almost as fond of alliteration as Cosmopolitan) who "thought they could run from the law. THEY THOUGHT WRONG." Hee hee. Oh, and even better: the opening voiceover says: "We bring you this footage for one reason and one reason only: to keep you safe," which is a positively breathtaking load of brainfuck malarkey, almost admirable in its blatant non-truth. How will seeing spectacular high-speed tire blowouts keep me safe? It provides a nice rest for my overheated brain, certainly, combining with the beer to produce a self-soothing high akin to mindlessly playing video games, but a lesson on safety it is not.

*Only Tiger Woods and David Bowie come anywhere near having teeth that scary. For different reasons, obviously.


Today I had to go to the IT department, which is on a strange and wondrous floor of this office building, to pick up some software that will allow me to work from home. Isn't that marvelous? I will be able to WORK from HOME. Of course, not often, because my office is not exactly ahead of the curve when it comes to technology and progressive work arrangements, but even the occasional day spent pantsless in front of the screen is preferable to none at all. I find the desk of the particular IT guy I have come to get the software from. He is a little greasy and plaid-shirted, with a mini-mullet, but he looks like a likable sort on the whole, and I immediately notice before he even turns around that he has a huge Scorpions poster on his wall.

This could mean one of two things: Either (a) he is a true Scorpions fan, in which case I kind of have to admire the big honest balls of a grown man who would use his workspace to unashamedly declare his fondness for 1980s hair metal; or (b) he is being all groovily smirkingly ironic about the horrific cheesiness of having a big old Scorpions poster, in which case he probably has some story about how he obtained the poster that he is secretly dying to tell.*

*Although I have to say that if that is the case he is playing the irony thing a little bit close to the metaphorical bone by rocking it in the middle of an IT department. Not that IT guys are not capable of slimy hipster irony, but the so-bad-it's-good game is one with a rather thin margin and you run the risk of having people think you really are a huge Scorpions fan. Which again, if you were TRULY cool, you would take it way beyond the I'm-only-kidding slimy ironic hipster limit and let them think that, encourage them to think that, become that guy who is a huge Scorpions fan. Then you would have come full circle and you might qualify for a master's degree in Postmodern Masturbatory Aesthetics. Maybe even a grant!

So I walk up to his office and the guy is pecking away at something when I knock. He turns around and says, "Can I help you?" and I am all staring at the big Scorpions poster taking up an entire wall of the cubicle and I blurt out, "I'm here to rock you like a hurricane." Then there is this extremely awkward nanosecond when it is obvious my reference to the famous Scorpions hit has blown right over the top of his head and out the door, so I cover up with a fast "uh, I just wanted to pick up that CD," and then I scoot out of there all embarrassed at my un-clever non-joke, which sort of slipped out like I was possessed. I blame the poster. Then in the elevator I decided I was being too hard on myself. I mean HE is the one with the Scorpions poster. He's the dork, he's the dork, he's the dork, I chanted to myself all the way upstairs.

(Unless of course, he was being all groovily and smirkingly slimy hipster ironic.)

(But then he's a dork anyway, right?)

(I can't win.)


Good Housekeeping: 9 Hair Mistakes You May Be Making
Me: Quick, help me think of synonyms for "inanity."

The Enquirer: Are Celebrities Too Pampered?
Me: That would save us from having to follow them around with pooper scoopers. I am all for putting Pampers on, say, Bruce Willis.

Instyle: Shoes! Bags! Jewels!
Me: Consume! Consume! Obey!

Glamour: 11 Sex Moves Men Wish We'd Try
LT: Blowjobs.

Cosmo: 50 Sexy Surprises: Wow Him Tonight!
LT: I recommend a blowjob.

Marie Claire: 7 Silly Sex Tricks (That Actually Work)
LT: I wouldn't call blowjobs "silly..."

Happy Friday. Why don't you go and rock something, in a manner similar to that of a hurricane.

---mimi smartypants, sanitized for your protection.


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