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good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2001-03-09 ... 19:34:11

Hello. It's Friday, and the Week From Hell is very nearly over. Here are some of the things that have happened to me, in order of least aggravating to most aggravating. (Note: there is a huge jump in aggravation level from #1 to #2.)

#1: While out drinking (why are we surprised) last Friday night, I lost the large safety pin that I always wear on the epaulet (now THERE'S a good spelling bee word) of my jacket. Said pin was not simply a piece of punk rock debris, but was from a kilt that I owned when I was 5 years old. So it had sentimental value, and I was sad. But that's a fucking cakewalk compared to....

#2: Prior to drinking last Friday night, we went and had our taxes down, and received the news that we owe close to $5000 in federal taxes. Yes, that's right. Five thousand dollars. It's a long, sordid story, but basically there's a huge difference in LT's income from last year, and what was a proper and normal amount of withholding last year is not as such this year. If I am very, very careful, and liquidate some assets etc, we should be able to pay this amount by April 15, and if not, I will knock over a liquor store or two. I can't worry about it now because...

#3: Hey, speaking of crime! My wallet and day planner were stolen on Monday! Yes! Isn't it great! They were stolen from a locked locker at the gym while I was in my yoga class. So I come out from yoga class, feeling very stretched-out and wonderful and like the universe loves me, and return to the locker room to find my lock completely gone and my wallet and day planner missing. I go to report the crime and the gym personnel are already taking reports from 3 other women who experienced the same thing. Some incredibly organized ring of thieves apparently just got some boltcutters and snipped off a bunch of locks. Sounds like an inside job to me. I'm distraught, and I walk back across the street to my office and start making the calls to report my cards stolen etc.....and the thieves have already been shopping. $800 at Gucci. $695 at Nordstrom's. Tiffany's. Kate Spade. Saks. No charge under $200. I had to cancel everything, including my checking account, and I really can't get into all the pain and suffering right now, but suffice it to say that some things I am sick of include (a) bank personnel, (b) tinkly harpsichord hold music, (c) bank personnel, and (d) stupid-ass born-in-a-toolshed bank personnel.

(If you work in a bank and were not born in a toolshed, then obviously this does not apply to you and I apologize.)

Then there's the matter of my day planner, which had no value to anyone but me, but which had a LOT of value to me, the OCD Queen of Lists. All my lists were in there, and all my weird little notes to myself, and addresses and phone numbers and businesss cards, and I would love to find it in a dumpster somewhere but I know it's not going to happen. As soon as I get a credit card in the mail I've got to get my ass to the Filofax store and start the process of Replacing My Entire Life. And if I ever come face to face with the boltcuttin' bitch who took my wallet and day planner, she had better run as fast as her theiving legs will take her or the beatdown will commence.

Ahem. I don't know what came over me, there.

Slightly amusing note: I phoned in a police report and after taking all the information, the guy on the phone told me to get a pen and he would give me my "Victim Confirmation Number." I almost laughed out loud. It's official: I am a victim!

----mimi smartypants


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