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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2003-03-04 ... 9:31 p.m.

My little fake vacation is over. Now a small team of experts is going to have to figure out a way to transform this pile of slack back into a human girl, preferably the sort who can figure out How To Give Even A Tiny Bit Of A Crap About Things Like Her Job. All I did during my four days off was sleep and eat and have fun, a nice mix of heavy drinking and lying around in my pajamas, and during the heavy drinking part I would think, "Oh, why can't it always be like this? I should quit my job and become a professional party girl" and during the lying around in my pajamas part I would think, "Is it really necessary to shower every day?" Both of these thoughts are dangerous and should be chased out of your head, should you ever happen to think them, because "professional party girl" + "not showering" pretty much begins to equal "crack ho." And we wouldn't want that, no we would not. One of the stranger out-and-about things I did this weekend was attend this event. I was going to describe it in more detail, but I think it is more interesting if you just look at the out-of-context pictures. I did not wear body armor like some of these folks, although I did wear a feathery old-lady hat and leopard-print tights, which is sort of like BODY ARMOR that protects you if you are being attacked by a FASHION PLATOON, since it guarantees you will never LOOK COOL. Ha ha ha. Once again, I am funny only to myself.

Yesterday I took myself out to lunch, to savor the last of the fake vacation. Walking up to Earwax, I overheard two girls read the sign and laugh, and one of them said, "Damn, you know that's a white people's restaurant with a name like that." Part of me rebels at such a characterization, and part of me thinks they are precisely correct. My soup was good, but someone at the grill might possibly be from Neptune and never heard of a grilled cheese sandwich, maybe because Neptune cows give a sort of crystalline milk and thus cheese is only meltable under certain atmospheric conditions. Or maybe the grill guy was just really stoned. Anyway, if Earwax didn't use such yummy bread for their sandwiches it would have been nearly inedible. I was mostly there for the tea anyway---it is one of the few places in town that serves tea hot enough. I am a freak about temperature extremes, and have been known to take a pitcher of water out of the refrigerator and have it over ice. HOT THINGS HOT! COLD THINGS COLD! MIMI THE HUMAN THERMOS!

On the way home I overheard four teenage girls on the bus plotting a beatdown of some "bitch" who has been running around town "talking shit" and they were planning to "fuck her up." It kind of scared me. Also, doesn't your bad-ass beatdown lose a bit of its stylishness when you have to take the bus to the beatdown locale? Don't get me wrong, I am a huge fan of the bus, but when you are organizing a beatdown it is much more fashionable to hop out of an Italian sports car and start assaulting your chosen victim, maybe wearing a linen suit all Miami Vice style, or at least appear in the distance walking four abreast, all backlit and with fog or vapor swirling behind you. Much tougher.


Have you ever gone through a phase where you are weirdly attracted to music that you would not ordinarily care about at all? Yesterday for me it was R.E.M. My entire life I have found R.E.M. to be the equivalent of a musical handjob, meaning that it is okay if nothing else is on offer but it is not something I would (metaphorically) comb my hair for. Like maybe I will watch a movie or grab a cup of coffee with R.E.M., but I am certainly not going to take R.E.M. out for an all-night eight-beer gabfest and waste my best jokes on them. And then yesterday I went all pawing through my albums and downloading stuff and playing R.E.M., and even repeating "Letter Never Sent" a few times because I got all obsessed with the background vocals. Thankfully that seems to be over now, and tonight was a completely different musical scene. I took LT's being out of the house for Chinese class as an opportunity to listen to Adult Intentional Period's* "Nite Life" turned up really loud, and I practiced my robot dance, until I slid on the wood floor and injured myself slightly. The moral of this story is Robots Don't Wear Socks.

*The period is my only beef with Adult. Similar to Yahoo Exclamation Point, it does not do to go getting all creative with the punctuation and causing problems with the brains of us editor types.


1. HA HA HA HA YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. I want to mock this at great length but my mockery sensors are currently on overload. I'm speechless.

2. This guy talks about his experiences using a Segway to and from work.

3. French Canadian lounge music. Tout le monde faire le danse du hamster! (I am trying to say "Everybody must do the hamster dance," using a cheesy online French dictionary, and I most likely got it wrong. Regardless, everybody must do the hamster dance. While listening to French Canadian lounge music. No, seriously, everybody must do the hamster dance. Don't make me come over there!)

Ugh. Work in twelve hours. I wonder if I remember how.

---mimi smartypants believes that more research is warranted.


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