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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2009-02-23 ... 1:57 p.m.


I am wearing some pants today that I have not worn in a few months, and they are all floppy and clowny and sliding down my ass gangsta-style. Ask my sister-in-law about how she twice prevented me from buying things in size XL, even after I tried them on and everything. (My Brain: This is perfect! Why you can barely tell there's a body under here! Sister-in-law: WTF are you doing? Stay here while I get you a different size.) So I know that I have a bad track record when it comes to purchasing clothes that fit. However, I can't really imagine that even I would have bought these pants if they fit this badly in the store. So maybe I have lost some weight or something, but I will never know unless I remember to weigh myself at the gym, but after I finish running on the treadmill I am usually too busy trying to remember my normal skin color (I suffer from unfortunate Strenuous Exercise PinkFace Syndrome).

Currently I am neither happy nor unhappy about (possible) weight loss, although it would suck to lose these pants from the rotation, and I hope to GOD that I do not accidentally lose enough weight to make my doctor think that I took her bullshit advice. That would make me mad.


In my dreams I am often angry at my husband, which is strange because I am so rarely angry at him when awake. Once I dreamed that he was packing to go on a polar expedition, and I thought the whole thing was stupid but was trying to help him put sealskins in a suitcase and such, and then he accused me of not being "supportive" of his polar expedition, at which point I went on a righteous dream-rant about how no, I can't really be supportive of leaving your family to do unnecessary polar exploration. Sorry to break it to you.

Then last night I had a truly terrible dream that LT faked his own death, for reasons unknown, and after about two dream-days of howling grief he showed up at the house all like, "I just needed some time to think" and I really went nuts. I mean, I let him have it, and there were some GREAT one-liners in there. Anyway, in the dream we ended up divorcing over the fake-death thing (can you blame me?), but it was the amazing dialogue that really stood out. I woke up just a teeny bit sad that I was not actually capable of spouting such darkly comic witticisms in the midst of betrayal, but of course simultaneously glad that my marriage was not really crumbling to bits, that LT is not such an asshole as to disappear like that, etc.


My weekend was nice because I had that charming split-personality thing where I both stay up too late drinking bad beer* AND act like a total old lady, doing laundry** and taking naps*** and watching too much television.**** In fact, Saturday I do not believe I left the house at all---LT volunteered to take Nora to karate because I am a wuss about driving in snow. Which was very considerate and a nice change from his nocturnal demise-faking, polar-exploring self. Then we spent the rest of the day snuggling and playing board games and cooking split pea soup (me) and fresh bread (LT, because I find yeast intimidating and don't like to get my hands dirty).

*When I walked from the bus to Whirlaway on Friday night there was a huge mess of fire trucks and SWAT teams and it turns out that it was this murderer saving the taxpayers the cost of a trial. Not that calling out the SWAT team is exactly cheap. And not that I mean to be making light of a murder-suicide. I did find it interesting that he took the dog and cat with him on his fugitive spree, though. It's nice to have nonjudgmental company when you are running from the law.

**I did SO MUCH goddamn laundry. I was determined to get all caught up and stopped just short of stripping the clothes from my loved ones' bodies. Also discovered that we don't quite have enough hangers in the house when every single thing is clean.

***After she attended a strenuous birthday party Sunday morning, Nora and I lay down on my bed to read (some novel for me and one of those insufferable Nate the Great books for her) (oh thank heaven she can read them by herself now!) and of course we promptly fell asleep. She was actually snoring away somewhat on top of me, but since she only weighs about as much as three average-size cats I did not mind too much.

****I admit to a bit of a Real Housewives problem. LT does not understand my fascination with really shallow people, no matter how many times I try to explain that it is anthropological in nature. I am the Jane Goodall of dumbasses. Also, has anyone else noticed the abundance of REALLY GIANT necklaces that all these women seem to wear? Is that just a way of covering up your sun-damaged neck skin? Or calling further attention to your wide-apart hammerhead-shark-style breast implants? I don't get it.


Who the hell knows why I was noticing brands of car tires (I am not THAT short), but today I saw some called AVENGER. Is that some Mad Max shit or what? If I ever have to buy new car tires I am going to demand the AVENGER brand because I WILL GET REVENGE ON THAT PAVEMENT THAT WRONGED ME. Hilarious.

Speaking of bad-assery, Wikipedia recently taught me that Castle Grayskull was surrounded by a "bottomless abyss." I did not know that! What a great feature! LT and I would really like to remodel our condo building to look just like Castle Grayskull, just need to get the other owners' approval (we will wait for one of those drunken board meetings). Now that I know about the bottomless abyss I will definitely include it in the plans. Cancel the garbage pickup and the recycling service! We will just throw everything in the abyss! And it will never fill up, no matter how many old newspapers or takeout menus or door-to-door Mormons we toss in there.

---mimi smartypants, by the power of Grayskull!


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