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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2008-02-19 ... 11:09 a.m.


I am floundering around in the depths of anxiety over My Precious Muffin's Education. Oh don't worry, I TOTALLY hate myself for it, so you can save the email about how I am a neurotic freakazoid for overthinking this kindergarten thing. I already wrote it! Dear Self, please STFU. Get this tattooed on your forearm: It's Just Kindergarten.

Basically, I am waiting to hear from the slow-ass public system about whether Nora made it into an acceptable magnet school, while simultaneously trying to string along our current private school for as long as possible before I have to empty my wallet in their general direction. In some ways it is too bad that the public system operates on computerized lotteries and not selective-admission tests and interviews, because what school would not want Nora? The Brazen Asian! The Beast From The East! Okay, she doesn't read fluently yet, but she adds and subtracts in her head, wrestles happily with kids twice her size, and knows the difference between a Philips and a flat-head screwdriver!

The verdict should arrive in about two weeks. I shall just have to stay blackout drunk until then---sorry but it is the only way. Too bad my idea for a Wu-Tang charter school never got off the ground. Nora would probably thrive on a rap-and-martial-arts-centered curriculum.


Me: I got some spam yesterday that said GET LAID FOR ONE DOLLAR.
LT: That certainly is inexpensive.
Me: I know! What can you get for a dollar anymore?
LT: However, I'll do you for fifty cents.
Me: You'll do me for FREE and you'll LIKE IT.
LT: Okay. I had to at least try to bargain.
Me: I understand.

If you change the amounts, the currency, the language, and the product for sale, I have had this exact conversation with taxi drivers in Bahrain.


On my going-home bus there was this somewhat motley white couple sitting behind me. They weren't really desperate-looking or dirty, just sort of sad and stringy and threadbare in a Raymond Carver way. They were on their way to see "John," and although the woman repeatedly tried to raise him on her cell, John was not answering. There was a lot of discussion of what the fuck they were going to do now. The woman suggested calling "the Mexicans" and here's where I perked up and my eavesdropping became less perfunctory. Because if "John" is your first choice but "the Mexicans" will do in a pinch, that could be a clue that this is not exactly a social call.

Stringy white man ridiculed the notion of calling the Mexicans, saying that they are not going to bother with them for just twenty-five dollars. In fact the figure of twenty-five dollars was mentioned frequently, mostly as in "we only have twenty-five dollars" whenever SWM would suggest bagging the whole John/Mexicans trip and going to get a six-pack or whatever. I was insanely curious because what in the world could they have been planning to buy? What costs twenty-five dollars? A bullshit amount of weed? I did not get a cracky vibe from these two, but I guess it is possible that they could be on their way to buy a single hit, although it is pretty damn sad to have to take the bus to your dealer. They certainly did not have the "Grand Adventure" attitude of people about to do hallucinogens. So what was it? I was dangerously close to turning around and asking.


All Nora wants to read lately are "science books." And that's fine, but sometimes I long for a good fantastic yarn rather than storytime about the central nervous system or what happened to the dinosaurs. Nothing like a lengthy discussion about the iridium layer to send your five-year-old off to dreamland. When she does consent to read something non-scientific, she often wants to read this bizarre children's book about Johnny Appleseed, who frankly seems like a lunatic if you ask me. It also sometimes makes me giggle inappropriately because I keep thinking of the Sifl and Olly bit with JOHNNY FUCKING APPLESEED! It shows up somewhere in the full twenty minutes, below.


smartypantsmimi: Actual sentence from the actual blog of an actual doofus whom I've actually met:
smartypantsmimi: "I've been a citizen of virtual community Second Life (SL) for, what, coming up on two years now, believe it or not; in fact, for awhile I used to do a blog about SL called In The Grid, which at its height was the 13th most popular blog about Second Life on the planet."
idlewords: ha ha
idlewords: I guess we each find our own Everest to scale.
smartypantsmimi: It reminds me of that tagline for Banana Quik: "America's FAVORITE Banana Milk!"
idlewords: Or America's #1 sport nutrition meat stick.
smartypantsmimi: I think the "sport" part is my favorite. Not for slackers!
idlewords: I need a jerky my body can metabolize quickly!
smartypantsmimi: Mile 25 of the marathon and it's time for some meat.
smartypantsmimi: The onlookers usually just splash gravy in your face at that point.
idlewords: The original marathons involved running down a goat and eating it raw, little-known fact.
smartypantsmimi: Marathon mutton!

---mimi smartypants is mutton dressed as lamb.


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