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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2002-01-03 ... 8:07 p.m.

Although I like my job, every once in a while you want to see what's out there, just to make sure the grass isn't really greener etc, so every once in a while I poke around in various websites and classifieds. And every once in a while I get headhunted, which is always very flattering, although, since I have friends who work in recruiting, I know that it isn't really my mad editing skills that they're searching for but just another big fat commission check. This latest headhunter chick called me for a job in New York, and it was pretty exactly much what I already do, so even though I don't have a whole lot of interest in selling my house and moving to Manhattan I did string her along for a bit. What really clinched it as a definite no (besides the thought of suffering through another real estate transaction, which makes me shudder with horror) was the fact that they wanted to pay me almost exactly what I make now. And if I'm going to traumatize my cat and disrupt my life, I'm going to need to trade up. To a de-luxe apartment in the sky. You get the idea.

So get used to me, Chicago motherfuckers, because I'm not going anywhere.

On the way home from work I saw a turkey carcass in my alley. A turkey carcass in my alley is precisely what I did not need to see this evening. I don't know if some idiot just threw it in the trash or some creepy wild animal (a wolverine?) pulled it out of its trash bag, but I did not appreciate the sight of the turkey carcass. I nearly stepped in it, because it was dark and because I never look where I'm going. Someone will probably run it over with their car and then there will be smashed rotting turkey meat all over the alley. Im going to start leaving by the front door, just in case. Isn't urban life charming? (Not that the country doesn't have gross things too. Like roadkill. And men in overalls who chew tobacco.)

And now, to be helpful:


Do you have trouble falling asleep? Of course you do! Falling asleep is scary. It's sort of like dying. And death is scary. Besides, you're not about unconsciousness, no siree! Consciousness is what you're all about! You're so much cuter and wittier when conscious! However, sleep can be good too. So here are some tips and tricks that I've learned about falling asleep.

1. Mentally draw a tiny little box. Crawl inside it. Find another tiny little box. Crawl inside that. Repeat until asleep.

2. Try to have no expression on your face at all. Sometimes it also helps to get rid of your hands (tuck them under the pillow). And don't forget to close your eyes!

3. Think of the very strangest thing you can. Think about getting up to write it down. Don't.

4. Here is some music that might help.

5. Visualization and relaxation tapes work for some people, but be cautious. A friend once lent me one that tried to get you to imagine walking along the beach. I hate the beach. The sun. The sand. The washed-up unidentifiable dead things. The anxiety-provoking hugeness of the ocean.

6. You could always have a sexual fantasy. Since you're not sleeping, you're probably in a melancholy mood, and your brain will probably come up with some maudlin and pathetic and not very erotic sexual fantasy, like you and some super-smart and super-cute boy, girl, whatever, are kidnapped by foreign terrorists and after surviving your ordeal and being debriefed by the consulate you are both put up at the Sheraton in whatever nameless foreign country the fantasy takes place, but of course neither of you can sleep, so you end up having emotional "comfort sex." I guess you could have a regular, sexy sexual fantasy too, but it won't help you fall asleep as quickly.

7. In order of increasing bad-assness: dark beer, Vicodin, red wine, chamomile tea, Benadryl, Xanax.

---mimi smartypants needs a nap.


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