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the latest
waddle: good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03 elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01 building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19 ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09 my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04
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IT IS ALL ABOUT NUMBERING EACH PARAGRAPH, IN ORDER TO PERPETUATE THE ERRONEOUS IMPRESSION THAT I HAVE A GRIP ON THINGS SECTION THE FIRST: TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO BE A TOTAL FREAK 1. Something went screwy with my clock this morning. I do not normally wake up to an alarm, but today at 4:30 in the morning I am pulled by my shirt collar out of sleep by a heavily accented male voice screaming, "Why don't you take a donkey you would get there faster!" Even if my screwy alarm had been set to the radio, this is not your standard soothing sleepy NPR newsreader voice. I have no idea what NPR could have been talking about, but I would like to thank you, NPR, for giving my morning this very surreal edge as I futz around in my bathrobe at dark o'clock, and for setting up this comical accent (sort of a cross between Generic Eastern European and Cartoon Iraqi) in my head all day. Thank you for giving me a fun catchphrase to use when my bagel seemed to be taking too long in the toaster (Why don't you take a donkey you would get there faster). And when I am shampooing my hair and need a song to sing, I can warble about taking a donkey for maximum efficiency in a mournful smoky Edith Piaf/Marlene Dietrich voice. 2. At around 1:00 am this same night, after certain nocturnal activities that ahem made me pretty cough exhausted, I was contentedly asleep. Or so I thought, but apparently I woke up LT by yelling, "I don't have time for this bullshit!" I talk in my sleep a lot and I am ALWAYS ANGRY. What does this say about me? 3. Speaking of nocturnal heh-heh activities, I have somehow managed to reinjure LT during a session of such. LT has microtears in his rotator cuff because of weightlifting and database programming (hey, these are fairly robust databases), and every time we do the macarena I seem to hurt him again. I am seriously considering pulling a Lysistrata until he gets better, because I cannot take the guilt. You always hurt the one you love but does it have to be so obvious? I must be the "evil woman" that Ronnie James Dio is always singing about. Look out! 4. Speaking of Ronnie James Dio, (a) he is older than my parents and (b) he is very short. Man On The Silver Mountain? More like Man On The Silver Milk Crate. 5. Why get off the topic of "silly music" before you have to? Before the cops come and break down the door and yell, "Mimi Smartypants, quit typing about silly music we have the place surrounded"? I was all flipping the channels (a rarity now that Tivo is part of my television life), and I saw a video by this band, and I laughed so hard I thought I would die. The video features this tattooed asshole thrashing around and whining about his broken home and how his dad was not there for him and it is FUNNY AS HELL, although I don't think they meant it to be. All this thick-necked angst. Oh my god. Grow up. WEEKEND 6. Friday I had a dinner party, which went well. My soup was fantastic. Come over and have some soup. 7. Saturday was all set to be a Pajama Marathon, reading and napping and such, when suddenly my cousin called and said he and his girlfriend were in the neighborhood. They live in the suburbs but I suspect they do not want to, because it seems like every weekend they are coming into the city to explore or visit museums or eat at decent restaurants. I got dressed quickly and we showed them around our crazy neighborhood, gawked at the plethora of ugly crap in the local dollar stores, and had some Indian snacks at Udupi Palace. We also went to my favorite grocery store on the street, Patel Brothers, and I bought a package of off-brand ramen because it proclaimed itself to be "Funky Chicken Flavor." It will be added to the Museum Of Packaging That Makes Mimi Laugh. 8. On our walk I saw this child whose entire mouth and hands were stained a bright candy blue, and then I saw another child in the same state. After the third sighting I started to wonder where all the Blue Children were coming from, which is why it was a relief to run into the cotton-candy seller at Devon and Western. 9. I am the sort of girl who likes to be driven. Insane. In a car. To distraction. By mad ambition. Any sort of driving will do. 10. LT and I were recently discussing taking in foster kids. (We were discussing this in a joking manner: do you think I really have the wherewithal right now to soothe a troubled urchin? Ha ha ha it is to laugh!) We were wondering if we could get small toddler foster kids of similar height and weight, and then train them to fight like roosters or pit bulls. I could be the trainer and he could handle the wagering and so forth. Toddler fights are the sport of the future. If you want in just let me know. 11. "You could live on a diet of deer brains and never get sick." What a startlingly vile thought, and what a load of crap too. 12. Who managed to lose two winter hats in less than 24 hours? Me. I think one fell out of my bag at the library yesterday, and I left another one on the train this morning. (Because I am stupid, that's why.) 13. You can always find something good in here. 14. I cannot stop thinking about the musical sandwich, and if I think about it too much longer I may have to curl up under my desk and quietly chant "Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Don't freak out." At least until lunchtime, and then my anxiety will only intensify when I go to the deli for a cheese sandwich and start yelling about EXTRA MUSTARD PLEASE AND NONE OF THAT PAUL MCCARTNEY "SIMPLY HAVING A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME" CRAP BECAUSE THAT SONG MAKES ME WANT TO PLUCK OUT MY EYEBALLS AND HAND THEM TO THE NEAREST HOBO. Please no. Please no musical sandwich. Please. ---mimi smartypants is a huge fan of "breakfast anytime." back/forward |
