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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2001-11-07 ... 4:57 p.m.


First off, I would like to reassure you that the human penis in the fruit punch turned out to be just some sort of slime mold. What a relief. My favorite part of this story is the subtitle: "Police don't know if crime is involved." A severed penis turns up inside a beverage bottle, I think it's safe to say some sort of crime was involved. Also, the line, "Police do not believe that Sanchez-Marchez put the penis in the bottle." In my head I've been singing "You put the penis in the bottle and you turn yourself around" to the tune of "The Hokey-Pokey"; and then of course there's the Police song, "Message in a Bottle," and various genie jokes, and Spin the Bottle, and this whole minor news story is just so FUCKING FRAUGHT WITH COMEDY POTENTIAL THAT I'M LOSING MY MIND, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT JOKE TO MAKE FIRST, so I'll leave it up to each and every one of you to run with this one on your own. Whew.

Why is the Web a good thing? Well, have you ever wanted to hear different cameras' shutter sounds? Of course you have.

Why else? Because LT and I were having an argument about whether or not it would be a good thing for us to have a kitchen with a built-in tandoor, with me taking the "con" side, and I challenged him to find some plans to actually build the tandoor and see if the idea was even feasible, so he did. (Note: he doesn't, to my knowledge, actually want to install a tandoor in our kitchen, it's just one of those long-running funny arguments we have to amuse ourselves. We're going to make fanstastic old people someday.)

To balance the good with the bad, here's this photo. The minute I saw this I thought, "Okay, that's it, I'm out of here." Why, god, why? (I probably shouldn't have stolen this image, so here's the link if you want to see more dog costumes. Or you could just beat yourself in the head with a mallet, same difference really.)

More surreal transit episodes: this morning on the El there were two elderly women in identical puffy down coats and identical kente cloth headwraps, who were going around the train asking people what religion they were, and if they were stupid enough to answer (hello, when exactly did you fly into town: YOU DON'T ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM SUBWAY CRAZIES) one of the headwrap ladies would fly into a tirade about how (Catholics, Episcopalians, Jews, fill in the blank) had oppressed her people for millions of years, and how she is the embodiment of the ancient Spanish emperor of Ethiopia (I know, I didn't get that one either), and how somehow that poor schmuck on the train owes her and "her people" lots of money. I listened to this garbled crap all the way downtown. It reminded me of some bizarre public access cable show.

Good lord, is it cocktail hour already? Later, chickens.

----mimi smartypants


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