Back to Diaryland

the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04


2004-10-11 ... 2:10 p.m.

Hey hey, that was a great weekend. My parents watched Nora on Saturday night so LT and I could BOTH go to a "wine party." The invitation was a little unclear as to what a “wine party” meant, and I never got around to asking the hostess, but thankfully it turned out to be more of a wine drinking party than a wine tasting party, which was good because I have very little patience for talking about wine. I have lots of patience for drinking wine, though. I patiently drink and drink until it is all gone.

BECAUSE I SUCK AT REPLYING TO EMAIL

I am just going to blither about this here. Unless you live in a small Internet cave, you will have heard of Dooce.com, which is one of my favoritest with-child websites. Heather emailed me to say that every time she posted something about drinking, a surprising number of asshats would write to her with their Damning Missives Of Shame And Rebuke, because Parents! Drinking! Alcohol! She wondered if I had the same experience.

Yes. I do. And some of you need to can the Church Lady crap and think logically for a second. If you think that alcohol is just plain bad, and that people who drink alcohol are bad people, that is your (crazy) opinion and you are free to have your (crazy) opinion here in the United States of (Crazy) America. Even if I do wish you would keep it to yourself more often.

However, if you seriously think that it is impossible to simultaneously nurse an after-dinner beer or a glass of Merlot or a delicious vodka tonic and play with Nora, which mostly means:

(a) putting Fisher-Price farm animals to bed over and over again ("Night-night sheep! Night-night pig! Night-night cow!");
(b) sitting on a chair pulled up to the living-room windowsill and spying on the neighbor's cats;
(c) dropping clothespins into an old plastic juice bottle and saying "uh-oh!" when you miss;
(d) reading Dr Seuss' The Foot Book multiple times, which is super-easy because Nora turns the pages and I have it memorized;
(e) letting Nora put her hand over my mouth while I say "mmmm! mmmm!" like a kidnap victim, because that is apparently really funny;

then, my friend, you frankly suck at multitasking. Besides, alcohol is clearly good for my daughter's language development. She knows the words "beer" and "wine," and two of her first "sentences" were "Mommy drink!" (this is a command, not a description. My little enabler!) and "Daddy naked" (a description, not a command. LT showers at night, and he is not a bathrobe kind of guy).

SCHWING

This is the Schwing KVM 34x Boom Pump. You bet your sweet ass it is! Could anything sound dirtier than "Schwing KVM 34x Boom Pump"? Would you be at all surprised to read the words "ENLARGE YOUR TOOL WITH THE" in front of "Schwing KVM 34x Boom Pump"?

MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT, YOU'RE A DICK WITH A GLOVE

I was listening to the cafeteria's craptacular music while I got my soup and ONLY THEN did I realize that the lyrics are not:

JOY TO OFFICIALS IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA
JOY TO YOU AND ME

Yes, I know that "fishes" would make more sense. But my whole life I have had this image of submarine captains and submarine accountants and other undersea "officials" rocking out beneath the waves. An image that now has to be jettisoned overboard. How sad.

ALL BODILY FLUIDS, ALL THE TIME

I was not even going to begin thinking about toilet training until Nora turned two years old. But every time she gets near the bathroom she starts babbling about going "pee-pee" and the "flush," and trying to lift the lid and pull down her pants. I felt like an idiot telling her "no, you can't use the toilet" because in six months or so I will begging for her to use the toilet, and I don't want her to write me off as SUPER-CONFUSED MOMMY WHO CAN'T STAY ON MESSAGE. That could cost me some crucial votes! Wrong poop, wrong potty, wrong time! So now she has a little potty chair thing, and she sits on it occasionally, and she surprised the hell out of herself Saturday by actually peeing in it. I am not going to make an issue of this, and I surely won't be taking her out of diapers, but I don't see the harm in a little fake potty training for novelty's sake, as long as she is truly interested. Of course, feel free to write and tell me I am an idiot for starting the process this early. Hey! Accuse me of being an alcoholic while you're at it! Two judgmental birds with one emailed stone!

ACTUAL QUOTE FROM MY CABDRIVER FRIDAY NIGHT

"I don't care who is President. I am from Greece. I will still drive this cab. This cab right here, this is the one I will drive. No President will stop me! Bush, Kerry, nobody!"

If you have an irrevocably broken digital camera and don't know what to do, Nora will be happy to take it off your hands. The best toys are not toys.

---mimi smartypants is aware that everybody poops.

back/forward

join my Notify List and get email when I update my site:
email:
Powered by NotifyList.com