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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04


2005-08-16 ... 2:16 p.m.

Is the fig page not gorgeous? Good web design makes me want to eat figs! Here is a wacky fig fact: "Although considered a fruit, the fig is actually a flower that is inverted into itself." That sounds like something Henry Miller would yammer on about.

I have a dumb celebrity-crush on this total wastoid. Yes, I am officially embarrassed. I really thought I was over my creepy teenaged fondness for skinny junkie boys, which I totally blame on Gary Oldman for being much more compelling than the real Sid Vicious* in Sid and Nancy, a movie that I rented so many times as a teenager that to this day I can do a dead-on impression of Chloe Webb shrieking about how Siiiiiiid didn't save her any fucking drugs. Anyway, I grew up and married LT, who is not a heroin addict although we won't discuss his thing for Lemonheads and other Ferrara-Pan-style not-very-good candy (I swear nothing with citric acid and maltodextrin and red dye #whatever is safe in our house). I was fine! And then along staggers this Doherty character, who probably does not have the best personal hygiene but just looks so cute and sweaty and collapsed-veined and hollow-eyed, and I am bookmarking pictures of him like a goony groupie.

*Although have you seen The Filth And The Fury? I was skeptical going in but this movie was very engaging. John Lydon is cynical and cranky throughout, and then at the end when he talks about Sid he completely breaks down and it was just a really weird moment and not what you would expect at all. Plus it reminded me of how totally, if cliché-ly, into Never Mind The Bollocks I was in early high school, and how I used to mope around bemoaning my Born-Too-Late-For-"Real"-Punk-Rock status.

The first vegetable orchestra, which I actually found by Googling "vegetable orchestra" for no reason at all. You can read it in English by clicking at the top of the page. I just think the German page is funnier, somehow, even though I do not speak or read German.

Here is another thing that was much, much funnier in my brain than it was in real life:

Coworker: What does it mean when your cat starts pooping a lot?
Me: What does it mean?
Coworker: Yeah.
Me: Are you thinking symptom or omen?

And then I got the big snorting giggles while she stood there waiting for me to stop and engage in friendly workplace pet-discussion. Maybe I have just been damaged from my Classics major, but I love picturing some haruspex of excrement shouting, "Sire! The cat poop bodes ill today!"

KID, YOU JUST LOST YOUR MICHELIN STAR

Nora: Let's be at a restaurant! I am the waiter. You want some ice cream?
Me: Okay, let's be at a restaurant! Can I see a menu?
Nora: Sure. [hands me invisible menu]
Nora: You want some ice cream now? Do you want chocolate or vanilla? There is also the kind with the chocolate chips.
Me: Actually, I think I would like some pasta, and a salad, and a glass of wine.
Nora: Okay, here you go. [makes perfunctory gesture of tossing invisible food at me] Okay! I will get the ice cream now! Okay! [runs to her play kitchen and starts pantomiming the ice cream scoop process]

She also got some "ice cream" for herself, of course. Nora, you are a very terrible waiter.

---mimi smartypants asked Alice.

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