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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04


2002-08-13 ... 12:36 p.m.

MY LIFE IS AN OPEN BOOK OF MAD LIBS

Weird #1: I am starting to feel like Josef K. All morning I've been talking to various cops and detectives, because I am going to have to have some evidence of identity theft if I'm going to get my driver's license reinstated at this administrative hearing (which, by the way, I have yet to schedule). The whole thing is so convoluted and strange that I can't even describe it yet: yesterday I said to a friend, "So I'll have to go to this hearing and prove that I am me. Or that I am not me. Or that the fake me is not Me. Or something."

My favorite cop so far is a guy we'll call Detective Scalia, who I think must be a dedicated fan of every cop show ever made. He's like a jokebook cliché detective, from the take-no-shit way he answers the phone with just his last name, to his very loud gum-chewing and breathing into the phone (I picture him as a somewhat overweight guy with a big black mustache), to his insane police speech mannerism of using fifteen words where one will do ("The alleged perpetrator, a Hispanic male of medium height and weight, appears to have fled the scene in a vehicle and we cannot confirm citizen reports that he is in possession of a weapon at this time" and so on.) (This page is full of unintentionally hilarious language like that.)

Weird #2: My father-in-law apparently thinks I am pregnant. (I'm not.) It is rather mystifying as to how he came up with this notion, but then again he is a mystifying man in many ways. There is some sort of family gathering next week, at a Chinatown restaurant, so I think that the minute I walk in I will light up a cigarette and order a gigantic Singapore Sling just to see the look on his face.

MORE FUN SIGNS ON DEVON AVENUE

---A new jewelry store that specializes in "Diamonds, Emeralds, and Rubbys."

---BONELES CHICKEN

---STUDENT BRIYANI $2.99 (Made with the flesh of students? Yum.)

---"SANDAL" SALE

---GET YOUR PASSPORT PHOTO TAKEN WHILE WE WAIT (Huh?)

PRIMATES, PRIMATES, PRIMATES ARE WE

An ape costume will not get you out of a ticket. Sorry, you big drunk monkey.

Why aren't gorilla costumes anatomically correct? Wearing a gorilla costume is pretty good for freaking people out. But think how much more effective it would be at freaking people out if it also featured a gorilla penis and gorilla testicles.

(Can Mimi Smartypants go one single entry without mentioning the pelvic region? No. No she cannot. Seriously, this habit needs to be broken. HELP ME!)

TEN COMMON-ENOUGH THINGS THAT I HAVE NEVER DONE

1. Eaten a Pop-Tart
2. Had a cavity
3. Attended a baseball game
4. Visited a podiatrist
5. Seen uncircumcised cock live and in person (oh jeez there I go again)
6. Read Lord Of The Rings (yeah, I know. But very few subjects interest me less than elves and such)
7. Been camping (I stayed in a luxury "tent" in the desert in India once, with furniture and attached bath, but I know that does not even begin to count)
8. Been inside a bridal store (I wore pants to my wedding)
9. Changed a tire
10. Purposely tried to get a suntan

There are lots of uncommon things that I have done, but I will leave those up to your imagination. (She's a very freaky girl. The kind you don't bring home to mother. But she will never let your spirits down. Once you get her off the street.)

DREAM FRAGMENT

I dream about a rabbi who goes around punching people. He does this mostly for their spiritual benefit, to teach them a lesson about how good life is when you're not being punched in the face, or to wake them up to the religious life, sort of like those Zen teachers in all those famous koans. His name is "Rabbi Smackdown." (I should license this dream character to some sort of second-rate professional wrestling organization.)

---mimi smartypants materialized out of thin air.

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