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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04


2003-08-12 ... 11:21 a.m.

MY BAG IS FULL OF RECTANGLES

Wallet
library book
iPod
small notebook
PDA
keyboard for PDA
pack of gum
(sometimes) pack of cigarettes (shhh)
cell phone (cheap and thus more rectangular than groovily ergonomic)
checkbook
gas bill I keep forgetting to pay with said checkbook

MY DIET IS ALSO FULL OF RECTANGLES

tofu satay at Pacific
Nutri-Grain bar (strawberry)
a few pieces of sharp cheddar, eaten with Triscuits that were broken in half to make rectangles
dried apricots that I shaped with scissors to make rectangles (okay now I have gone too far)

LINK YOU SO HARD YOU WALK FUNNY FOR A WEEK

Who wants to go urban exploring in Gary?

Welcome to the world of Gnod. I like playing with things like this. Similar to Amazon recommendations.

That big ball of gas in our sky.

It's the birthday of Sir Mix-A-Lott! Somehow he is all linked with Bill Clinton in my head. Maybe it is the big-butt preference (Monica) combined with the outward appearance of sincerity ("And I cannot lie"/"I feel your pain.")

Chicken rescue probed. Mark Swendsen, you are still a hero to me! Never let petty rules stop you from being a defender of chickens!

How to be a shark poems.

These photos made me long for the sea. Yes, that's what I said. I long for the sea. Quit laughing.

FAMOUS BOOKS I HAVE NEVER READ

(a list for Harry, who complained that I had read everything)

1. The Good Soldier (Never got around to it. I really should.)
2. Middlemarch, (I tried, man.)
3. Lord of the Rings (Eh.)
4. The Joke and Its Relation to the Unconscious (After Civilization and Its Discontents, I sort of crapped out on the Freud. He may be important but he is not all that readable.)
5. One Hundred Years of Solitude (Again, I tried.)

Obviously, there are more books than these that I have never read (oh really, Mimi? You don't say!) However, these are the ones that I feel slightly anxious/guilty about.

I know people who swear that their cat or dog is interested in its mirror reflection, but I have never been able to get either animal to even look in the right direction. When they do look, they don't seem to see. Other animals see but don't recognize; they try to fight the image, for example, or make out with it (some birds and reptiles do this). Supposedly this is pretty standard for most animals, and even human babies before a certain age don't care very much about mirrors.

All about the garbled transmission today. But I have been thinking about the human consciousness and the ability to recognize alternative "realities" or representations of reality (like your image in a mirror). That seems a necessary first step in creating the "observing self," just like some form of language is the first step to the creation of a further sub-self, if you will (oh, won't you?)---the "commenting self." The self-narrative.

Or maybe not. Maybe, even though they donít do mirror-time, turtles nonetheless have all kinds of observing and commenting sub-selves. Maybe soon we will get turtle translators and turtle typing devices and then we can read the turtle weblogs. Do you think turtles would have lots of little jealousies and dramas, teenage-LiveJournal style? They seem placid but I bet they are seething with turmoil under the shell.

GREAT L WORDS YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN

lalochezia: using foul language to relieve stress

limicolous: living in mud or slime

lypothymia: profound melancholy

NO LOGO

There was a kid on the bus today wearing a white t-shirt on which he had hand-drawn the Adidas logo. At first I felt kind of depressed about it---here is this blank t-shirt canvas all ready for you, and all your uncreative ass does is copy a corporate logo? Then I felt slightly cheered---he made his own! He did not buy into the hype of forty-dollar branded t-shirts! Then I felt depressed again, because maybe he really wanted an "authentic" Adidas t-shirt but could not afford one, so his homemade t-shirt was an effort to be cool. Then I felt slightly cheered again, because maybe he was mocking how ridiculous it is that a big silkscreening machine applies a symbol or some words to a shirt and it becomes expensive, when the same thing can be done with a plain white t-shirt and a magic marker. Now I have no idea what to think.

GODDAMN IT, I SWORE I WOULDN'T MENTION PORN TODAY

From the horseshit files: "So I'm hoping that people don't lose their perspective, because I still think pornography's kind of a rotten thing to do to women, and it's not the way men and women get along with each other. If we ever want to have couples have true love and respect each other's rights, it's not going to be this way."

No, of course pornography is not the way men and women get along with each other. But neither is Sleepless in Seattle, Notting Hill, numerous meet-cute chick-lit books, or any other dumb-ass fictional representation of heterosexual relationships. If Miss Trixie can have a big-budget film fantasy of true love conquering all, some horny guy or girl should be able to have a grainy video fantasy of group groping. I think it is the people who parent who have the ultimate responsibility to show, by example and with words, how sex (uh, better stick to the words in that case, mom and dad) and love should happen, and then porn can remain in the fantasy realm where it belongs.

Yeah, every once in a while you meet a guy whose preferences and expectations in the sexual arena seem kind of damaged by too much porn. But I tend to call those guys "jerks." Most people understand the differences between sex with real-live non-pornstar people, with all their lumps and hairs and weird noises, and jerking off to fake people on a screen. People who grow up with bizarre expectations about romantic love, or who have disastrous relationships with boyfriends or girlfriends who are evasive about their feelings or who insist on categorizing every stage in a relationship, are far more damaged than the average intelligent porn consumer. In my experience. Big disclaimer.

ONE FIFTH LESS FABULOUS

I am a dweeb and allowed my sister-in-law to get me hooked on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. My sister-in-law is a self-described girly-girl fag hag, and she badgered me for a week before I relented and gave TiVo its marching (prancing?) orders. Now I, too, am a fan. Know what, though? We don't need that "Culture" guy. He seems cute but superfluous. Leave the CD collection alone, focus on getting rid of those unibrows and Lava Lamps.

TOOL-USING PRIMATES

My office building is testing its emergency intercoms today. We were told that our keycards might not open doors during the test. We were also told that if our keycards fail to open doors during the test, we should use the door handles.

Wow.

---mimi smartypants walked in through the out door, out door.

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