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the latest
waddle: good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03 elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01 building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19 ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09 my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04
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MY SEMI-LEWD LIFE *I had a headache. But instead of swallowing a handful of Aleve and chasing it with a gin and tonic like I normally would, I decided to be a Healthy Heidi and fix things the natural way. "I shall practice some yoga!" I thought. "Perhaps with one of my yoga tapes! Yoga is good for headaches, even if the sight of Rodney Yee in a yoga speedo is not!" A slight difficulty was encountered in the fact that (and you don't know how much it pains me to admit this) I was wearing overall shorts (hey. It's hot and they have lots of pockets, okay?), and I didn't want to do yoga in overall shorts, but I couldn't locate any clean shorts or indeed any shorts whatsoever in the laundry pile, so I just took off the overall part and did my yoga practice in my t-shirt and underwear. Afterwards I went and found LT. "I just did Pantsless Yoga!" I said. He seemed less than impressed. Pantsless Yoga! The next big thing! Watch for it at the hippie health center near you! *Then I took a nap. *I had to go to the drugstore to pick up my birth control prescription (more on this later), but I didn't want to put on a brassiere, so I didn't. Shocking! Shocking shocking bouncy boobs at the Devon Avenue Osco Drug! I don't think anyone noticed. THE GREAT BIRTH CONTROL FIASCO When I and my unfettered bosom arrive, Osco won't give us any birth control. "The prescription is expired," the pharmacist said (and by the way, he is wearing a BOLO TIE. How humiliating is that, to speak about birth control with some 1980s reject with Duckie hair and a bolo tie?). "We tried to call the doctor but they said you have to have another exam before they'll authorize the refill." Oh, that's just priceless. You see, although I'm not a huge fan of the speculum, I do see the wisdom of getting my princess inspected by a medical professional on a regular basis, and I've been TRYING to make an appointment with my doctor for over a month now. Every time I call they are all booked up for a six-week block, and they tell me to call back on X date to try for the next six-week block, and the endless retarded cycle repeats itself. Apparently, in order to secure an appointment with my physician I am supposed to camp out in front of her office all night like a nerd in front of the Star Wars theater or a teenager trying to score 'N Sync tickets. *Why isn't "tonguing the Triscuit" a euphemism for something? It should be. Please help me out by using this all-purpose phrase in your daily lives. THINGS YOU WON'T CARE ABOUT BUT THAT MADE ME HAPPY WHEN I WITNESSED THEM A triangular garbage can! A drug deal that went down right in front of me, on Damen and Augusta! A commercial for paper towels I saw while I sat at a bar. The tag line was "things you never thought a paper towel could do." Can it launder my fine washables? Speak Russian? Make a fabulous raspberry sauce for vanilla ice cream? Can it return my library books? Give me a neck massage? Now THAT'S a paper towel, and you're right, I would have never thought it could do that. Right. Again, I check out earlier than planned, but I really have to stop typing this and eat something. I've been on the beer-and-gummi-worms diet lately, but we all know that can't last. ---mimi smartypants reaches for you with her delicate lacy tentacles. back/forward |
