Back to Diaryland the latest waddle: good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03 elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01 building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19 ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09 my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04	2002-06-16 ... 7:55 a.m. I AM GOING TO TELL YOU MY DREAM BECAUSE IT IS SO VERY BIZARRE Dream: I have little pictures on my fingernails, and I call a friend over to check this out. "Look," I say. "I have little pictures on my fingernails." The pictures on my fingernails are faint and watercolorish. My personal favorite is a picture of a knight, with a black olive for a head, wearing a clown hat. He is riding a horse (the horse is also wearing a clown hat) and carrying a lance with another olive speared upon it. The horse is pulling a cart and there are more black olives loaded in the back. TEN PI�ATAS OF NOTE: RESERVE NOW FOR YOUR NEXT BIRTHDAY PARTY 1. Drug Mule Pi�ata (worried-looking paper-mache dude: inside are condoms full of heroin) 2. Dead Animal Pi�ata 3. Pi�ata Full Of Leftover Hair Clippings From The Barbershop (drifting down, sticking to the sweaty children) 4. Pi�ata Full Of Pudding 5. Dirty Pi�ata (full of radioactive material) 6. Pi�ata Full Of Broken Glass And Nails (the Terrorist Special) 7. Pi�ata Full Of Porn 8. Pi�ata Full Of Ball Bearings 9. Pi�ata Full Of Useful Toiletries (tampons, unbreakable combs, acne medicine) 10. Zen Pi�ata (full of nothing) EIGHT STUPID MOVIES (AND ONE CHILDREN'S BOOK) THAT I HATE HATE HATE AND THE MORONIC LESSONS THEY TRIED TO IMPART 1. Forrest Gump (women tend to fall for babbling idiots). 2. Regarding Henry (the perfect husband is a babbling idiot). 3. The Breakfast Club (you can gain happiness and acceptance by transforming yourself from an interesting kooky person to someone who looks and acts like everyone else) 4. Leaving Las Vegas (hookers with hearts of gold often improve their lives by babysitting self-centered dying alcoholics). 5. The entire genre of "women are scary" movies: Fatal Attraction, Hand That Rocks The Cradle, etc (only nuclear family structures will protect you from homicidal single career women). 6. The Truth About Cats and Dogs (oh right, Janeane Garofolo is "the ugly one." Mm hm. Sure.) 7. Practical Magic (witches are magical sparkly scarf-wearing hippies who spend a lot of time in their big Victorian house and are so wild and crazy that they sometimes have brownies for breakfast!) (NOTE: I saw this on a sleep-deprived transatlantic flight so I'm extra-cranky about it.) 8. Girl, Interrupted (the mentally ill are wise and sexy and glamorous and scribble great things in their notebooks. The nuthouse is a great place for sort-of-kind-of lesbian attraction. Winona Ryder has no other expression on her face ever but wide-eyed dimwitted bewilderment.) a. The Giving Tree (I don't care if it is Shel Silverstein, this is a fucked-up book). EIGHT THINGS I DO DOZENS OF TIMES A DAY 1. Push off from my desk in my task chair, hard enough to slam into my office wall, which, if you hit it right, spins the chair to the side, putting me directly in front of my bookcase. Whereupon I retrieve the reference book that was the main goal of all this activity (the secondary goal being the fun of office-chair bumper-car action). 2. Make up a little song that describes what I'm currently doing. 3. Wish I could have the carrot cake at Earwax for every meal. 4. Think, "I really should make some stencils." 5. Start laughing for some hard-to-explain reason. 6. Pat myself down for house keys, PDA, wallet, etc. 7. Cross something off my large and obsessively-detailed to-do list. 8. Check my e-mail. There really was a guy named Saint Hilarius. He was not, as far as I can tell, the patron saint of practical jokes, but he certainly should have been. ---mimi smartypants hacked your website. back/forward