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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04


2009-04-22 ... 2:56 p.m.

NOT THE PITTS

The first weekend in May my job sends me to Pittsburgh, and if anyone out there wants to hook me up with the usual things I look for in foreign cities (beer, Ms. Pac-Man, comic book stores) that would be just fine. For some reason I am busier on this trip than on many others and I only have part of Sunday free for actual, in-person hookups, but I will gladly gather intelligence via email. I got invited to this panel discussion thing, and it is a bit puzzling because I am not really enough of a big cheese for this elite invitation-only deal. Unless my cheese got a lot bigger when I wasn't looking. Anyway, it is probably good for my career to be a cheerful enthusiastic worker bee and attend, even though it is FOUR HOURS long and will drastically cut into my time spent exploring Pittsburgh and/or enjoying the strange silence of my hotel room.

THE REASON THE SILENCE WILL BE STRANGE

Okay, fair warning that I am possibly just a deluded parental braggart, but I was talking to Nora and she was exclaiming in typical ALL CAPS ITALICS fashion about something that lasted NINE WEEKS! And then she stopped and said, "What's 9 x 7?" And when I answered she went on that it took 63 DAYS! You can cluck at the hubris but I was impressed that she knew the right question for figuring out the days in nine weeks. Kindergarten! Of course about an hour later she jumped off the back steps and flew straight into a post (a misjudged distance, a bump on the head), so we know that her genius is specific and limited.

STRANGERS I DO NOT ENJOY

Those youngsters who shill for Greenpeace on the sidewalk. It's not that I have anything against them as people; I realize that they are just hippies with the misguided idea that hassling pedestrians for slave wages is "making a difference." I am really angry at Greenpeace for using college students in this irksome manner, and I wonder if I should write a letter explaining that I will never contribute to any charity that bothers me in person. I will also explain that because of Greenpeace's stupid marketing ideas I am actually starting to hate the creatures of the sea,* and if they continue to get their heads caught in underwater blenders (or whatever is the marine tragedy du jour) I will continue to not care as long as you continue with the streetcorner harassment.

*Except for the noble octopus!

A STRANGER I DO ENJOY

The counter guy where I buy my lunchtime slice of pizza (embarrassingly often) is that rare but wonderful combination of a born smart-ass who is also willing to play straight man. We always give each other grief when I am there and last week’s exchange was truly delightful.

Me [pulling out enormous wad of one-dollar bills to pay for lunch]: Jeez, look at this. It's like I've been parking cars for a living.
Him: Or...something else. But I'm not judging!
Me: Hey, I never thought I'd become a Recession Stripper, but shit happens.
Him: Not judging!
Me: My babies need Pampers and Mountain Dew, you know!
Him: Okay, judging a little...

Every time we joke with each other the oven guys seem to laugh way more than is warranted, and the above exchange practically had them falling over into vats of Parmesan. I guess most of the day is pretty dull at the pizza place. Or maybe this has something to do with it.

---mimi smartypants, pizza-industry watchdog.

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