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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04


2002-04-17 ... 12:24 p.m.

This is what is going on during those times when I suddenly clutch my head and make a weird scrunched-up face and announce that I'm having a stroke. During those times when you sit there with a puzzled look on your face, wondering if you should be concerned (if you are new to me) or sigh and say "again?" (if you know me already). I'm not crazy, I just have idiopathic stabbing headache.

I went out last night and had a gosh-darned good time, with no ill effects save for a slight spaciness today (what? you were saying something?), a need to hear overwrought gothy music (Cure on the headphones right now), and a touch of trembly lockjaw. (Trembly Lockjaw would be a good name for someone, wouldn't it? I can't decide if it's a detective, a superhero, or an adult film star. If you make comic books you are welcome to appropriate the name Trembly Lockjaw for a character, but please give me credit. I love getting credit.)

My other up-too-late symptom is a weird craving for soda. I went down to the vending machine and it got me all distracted and cogitating about soda can design. The standard can of Coke never changes design, I don't think, because it's a huge part of their "brand identity" (you will never know how much my very cytoplasm trembled in disgust as I typed that phrase), but other soda cans undergo redesign fairly frequently, it seems. The soda vending machine here is the kind that uses empty cans in little display areas near the top of the machine, to let you know what you are getting, I guess in case the big-ass logos on the buttons are not enough for you. Only they never change the empty cans to match the current can design, so you get this odd consumer shock moment: "Hey that's not what the Pepsi can looks like." (In fact I think the Pepsi can used for display in this particular vending machine is several can designs old: it sort of has pinstripes and says "UH-HUH!" on it.) (Side note #2: What the hell kind of an ad campaign was that, by the way? Have we been reduced to grunting our approval for carbonated cola beverages now? We canít even use real words?)

MORE SODA: Exploding soda cans. It looks kind of cool all frozen and boiling out the top like that.

MORE ADVERTISING: Have you seen these billboards for Ameritech (Chicago's despised local phone company)? They feature photography of all manner of stupid fuckuppery, like someone about to lick a frozen metal pole, or about to taunt a vicious dog, or about to stick a fork in a toaster, and they all have the same tag line: "BAD IDEA. Just like switching your local phone company." Are they threatening us? Will Ameritech rip your tongue off or electrocute you if you dare to go with another phone service?

SORT OF RELATED TO ADVERTISING, AND SORT OF TO SODA: Really good, comprehensive website on subliminal perception.

I had a dream last night of an alternate numbering system for Chicago's grid. In my dream the east-west streets were odd-numbered, starting at the southernmost city limit with 1 and going higher (3, 5, 7, 9, etc) as you went north. The north-south streets did the same thing with even numbers, starting at the lake with 2 and continuing west (4, 6, 8, etc). Street address were decimals, as points along the numbered street, so if one lived at 4423 N Damen, for instance, your address in my dream-scheme might be something like 22.151, Chicago, IL 60640. I need to sketch this out on a big piece of paper and play with the numbers some more. (Uh, sure, Mimi Smartypants, you are saying now, as you try to sidle out of the room. You do that. We'll be right over here.)

Mary (as in Jesus' mom) is the patron saint of Chicago, and of just about everyone else. That's really boring. I was hoping Chicago would have one of the bloodier gorier freakier martyred saints, like the girl who was raped to death (isn't that pleasant? Catholics are such a cheerful bunch) or the one who was boiled in pitch. Nope, just the usual Our Lady of Many Sobriquets. Ah well.

This morning there was this really hot-looking woman on the crowded El, and one guy fell all over himself to get up and offer her his seat, and I thought: You idiot, now we can't look at her ass anymore.

Also, the Sun-Times weather word for today is SHIFTY. So don't let today draw you into any of its nefarious plans. Don't let today borrow money. Today can't even look you in the eye. It's not a good idea to let today borrow your car, and if I were you, I wouldn't let your girlfriend go anywhere near today.

One last thing. I'm thinking of changing my middle name to Ampersand. It is such a good word.

---mimi smartypants wants to (1) rock and roll all night and (2) party every day.

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