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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04


2002-04-16 ... 11:57 a.m.

FOR THOSE WHO HATH NO ALIBI

Happy, happy, happy Saint Drogo's Day to you and yours! Saint Drogo is a patron saint of unattractive people. Ugly people get a saint all to themselves! I quote from the huge database of saints linked above, which is a huge source of amusement and pleasure to me: "Stricken with an unsightly bodily affliction during a pilgrimage, he [Saint Drogo] became a hermit at Sebourg in Hainult for 40 years surviving on barley, water, and the Eucharist."

Go go Drogo!

But wait, there's more! Ugly people get not one, but two saints of their very own! There's also Saint Germaine Cousin. Her prayer, at the bottom of the page, is kind of pathetic and depressing, but she gets points for being a shepherdess. I'm thinking of changing careers and becoming a shepherdess myself, although multiple Google searches on multiple variants of graduate school + sheepherding have thus far failed to reveal anything useful.

THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY

English muffin history. And mystery. I have a nicely toasted English muffin quite often at the office, in part because what our cafeteria considers a "bagel" is more like a damp inflatable bar rag studded with raisins. (That made no sense. An inflatable bar rag? Could someone please take my temperature?)

FASHION! TURN TO THE LEFT

I did manage to buy a suit yesterday, with the aforementioned "personal shopper," and while I had to smile and gush and pretend to care about clothing and generally act like a big girl, it honestly could have been a lot worse. Two things to remember, though, if you are me or someone very like me.

(1) You are not used to wearing things that fit. Your first thought, when putting on a grown-up suit, will be along the lines of "ack, get this dastardly uncomfortable garment off of me posthaste." Chill out, take a Xanax, conjure up the soothing image of the Empire Carpet guy, whatever works for you. The suit is not so much uncomfortable as just differently comfortable: closer to your body, etc. Remember: no matter how much you wish you could wear either your bathrobe or a cashmere potato sack 24/7, the real world has other fashion ideas. (2) You are used to thrift store shopping and thrift store prices. Close your eyes and sign the credit card slip. It will be okay.

MOTHER NATURE GRABBED MY ASS

Believe it or not. Today's Sun-Times Weather Word(s) is: LOVING IT. Oh yeah. Chicago is loving it. The weather is slowly laying Chicago down on the pool table, and unbuttoning Chicago's shirt, and Chicago is a little breathless and unsure, it's not our first time exactly but a springlike warm spell has never felt quite like this before, and the winds are 15 to 20 mph out of the southwest, and we are LOVING IT. Mmmmm. More, yes, again.

SIX FEARS I HAVE THAT YOU PROBABLY DON'T

That there is a whole range of emotions of which I am incapable.
That I am being slowly poisoned by swallowing too much toothpaste.
That some maniac will someday push me onto the subway tracks as the train arrives.
That everyone I like and admire will suddenly stop talking to me, with no explanation.
That the world will become a joyless humorless fascist police state with all forms of intoxicants and other pleasurable things deemed illegal.
That I will suddenly forget how to read.

LINK IT LIKE THIS, LINK IT LIKE THAT, PUT ON YOUR BOOGIE SHOES AND YOUR TRI-CORNERED HAT

Yuck. Look people. You have to decide. Do you want chocolate, or do you want gumminess?

Wipe your mouth and get your fortune. Sometimes you wonder just how cool it can get, and then there is a coin-operated napkin holder slash fortune teller slash perfume vendor slash IQ tester to remind you. LOVING IT.

---mimi smartypants is a sweet sweet cupcake baked by the devil.

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