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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04


2008-04-09 ... 10:46 a.m.

NO, PARDON YOU

Today either I am abnormally hostile or people are abnormally weird, because strangers keep TALKING to me and LOOKING at me funny and just generally EXISTING IN MY SPACE, and I am super-sick of it. When I went to order my grilled cheese the grill guy (a new or perhaps substitute grill guy, not the awesomely taciturn grill guy who just gestures at you with his spatula in lieu of verbally taking an order) was all like "Grilled cheese! For the grilled cheese girl! Coming right up!" and I was all like "Shut your mouth before I shove you in the fryer" but of course I did not say that. Then I was waiting for an elevator and a different guy was giving me awkward half-smiles and doing some kind of eyebrow thing and I wanted to suggest that he keep his eyebrows to himself, unless he had brought enough for the whole class---which he kind of had, they were pretty bushy. Maybe the eyebrows were new and he was showing them off. In retrospect that was probably a tic or something. Okay, he gets a pass. People I work near, but do not normally speak to, keep punishing me with "Hi" and "How's it going" today. Arrggh! Politeness! Civility! I can't take it anymore!

WE ARE NOT FUNNY

I have read a lot of so-so books lately, but one I did like was Running With The Devil: Power, Gender, And Madness In Heavy Metal Music. Here is my rating: two (sets of) devil horns up! Recommended for those who like musicology and photos of Judas Priest cover art. If you’re like me, you will also get a chuckle out of page 36, when the author takes a big metaphorical dump on the head of Claude Lévi-Strauss. Good thing it was not a literal dump, as Lévi-Strauss would just structure it into a hat. Ha ha ha ha ha oh ho! I win! I win the prize for most strained anthropology joke ever!

Speaking of bad jokes, Nora lately has an irritating habit of making out-of-context puns and then badgering me to death with them. Grocery store! Get it? Mom? Do you get it? GROSS-ery store? Like it's a GROSS store that sells GROSS things? I get it baby, but let me explain the concept of "set-up."

When it is not stupid jokes, it is (still) stupid Star Wars questions. How does Darth Vader take a bath? I don't know, wet wipes? Sponge on a stick? He pushes the button that says "Wash" on his control panel thingy? The good part of her obsession is that she frequently talks like and even quotes Mr. Vader in her James Earl Jones voice, which is the cutest thing ever. She would kill me if I said that to her, though. She would use the Force to choke me with her mind. Every time I watch Nora walk somewhere I just know she is hearing the Imperial March in her head.

DING-DONG, IT'S THE NEIGHBORHOOD RAPIST

I wish I could find a YouTube clip of my very favorite commercial in the world. I have TiVo and I never watch commercials, but when I see this one zoom past on fast-forward I start bouncing on the couch and yelling "stop! stop!" to LT. It is an ad for Brinks home security and is similar to this, but about a million times better because Normal Housewife is doing the dishes and then---bam! Evil Rapist is wearing a ski mask and kicking in the the front door---but the alarm! Thank god, the alarm! It scares the rapist and he runs away. Brinks calls and the panicked woman answers, and they cut to All-American Quarterback Dude in a Brinks-branded button-down shirt saying "This is Brinks Security, ma'am, are you okay?" and "We're sending police now." The best part is that Brinks Guy is calling from a moodily-lit bunker-type place, like a strategic command headquarters in the Pentagon, with all sorts of blinking lights and indicators reflecting off his strong jaw of manliness, instead of from a beige cubicle in a ugly fluorescent call center. And of course everybody is white---the housewife, the Brinks guy, and what we can see of the rapist. God I love this commercial. It is a tasty breaded nugget of race/class/crime/consumer anxiety that you can eat in just sixty delicious seconds. Not to mention an amusingly huge bundle of misinformation on who gets victimized and where.

DING-DONG, IT'S ME, DRINKING OLD STYLE AND LOOKING CRABBY

I will be at Empty Bottle tonight (early-ish) if any locals want to stalk or do weird things with their eyebrows at me. Just look for the scowl.

---mimi smartypants IS figure skating.


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