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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04


2002-04-05 ... 4:50 a.m.

MONKEYS

Those naughty monkeys! Those monkeys are bad! No monkey no!

A HELPFUL GUIDE TO STREET PEOPLE

You know, I've lived in Chicago for a while. I've also worked downtown for a while. You get to see the same people over and over again. Here is a short guide to some of the more colorful citizens that populate the River North/Gold Coast/Loop area.

Señor Mustache: You'd know him if you saw him. Very weird-looking guy with 1970s hair and a big handlebar mustache. He is a pickpocket, mostly preying on tourists and suburban types, and he's been working the downtown for at least 12 years.

The Lady Who Needs $0.50 to Pay For Her Dialysis: Why such a specific amount of money? Why such a specific need? How can you be $0.50 short for a dialysis session, anyway? Whatever, this is her story and she sticks to it.

Screaming Man.

The Stylish Midget: I can't explain it any better than that. There is this midget, and he is very stylish.

Sandwich Board Stan and His Cavalcade of Conspiracy: The guy who needs you to know that Al Gore is a Chinese robot and that the Communists are controlling the weather. He walks up and down Michigan Avenue wearing a sandwich board covered with his cramped magic-marker theories. A favorite of the tinfoil-hat crowd.

Fakey McCellPhone: This guy I like. He is a crazy homeless filthy dude but he is also a talented performance artist. He rides the El with a small block of wood that he pretends is a cell phone, and has very loud animated conversations on his block of wood that elegantly skewer those of the cell-phone wankers all around us: either inane YEAH I'M GOING TO BE THREE AND A HALF MINUTES LATE type stuff or fake Board of Trade exchanges like IT'S AT TWENTY-NINE? WELL, FUCK, DUMP IT THEN! I haven't seen him in a while, come to think of it. Fakey McCellPhone, ¿dónde esta?

John Coltrane's Mentally Slow and Non-Musical Younger Brother, Ebenezer Coltrane: Arrrggh. He stands at the corner of Michigan and Ontario and incessantly bleats out a halting crooked wounded-goat version of "My Favorite Things," on a saxophone that he cannot even play, and has been doing this every day for years and years, and you'd think by this time you would (1) give it up, (2) switch instruments, (3) try a different song, or (4) learn how to play the song. None of these things has happened yet, and I am not an optimist.

MORE CHICAGO-CENTRIC CRAP, JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES AND IT WILL BE OVER SOON

Again, Chicago universities do not in any way have their shit together, so this is not online, but some of you may find it interesting so as a one-woman PR machine I will retype it here:

Computers and Composers: Students from the University of Chicago Computer Music Studio perform electronic music. Monday April 8, 7:30 pm, Fulton Recital Hall, University of Chicago, 1010 E 59th Street.

Also: I like robots.

AMBER WAVES OF GRAIN, FRUITED PLAIN, ETC

Yesterday I saw these two bumper stickers on the same car: UNITED WE STAND and WE STAND UNITED. That guy sure is using his car to stress the theme of unity. And the theme of standing. (Is it unpatriotic to sit down all of a sudden? Can't we love our country from the fetal position, or prone on the floor, or slumped sideways in our office chairs at some insomniac morning hour?)

VERY MYSTERIOUS

It is the story of the sad girl attacked in the radish.

PRESENT COMPANY EXCEPTED, OF COURSE

Insults that need to be revived, according to me: oaf, simpleton, dullard, lout, blockhead, scoundrel, churl, rogue, barbarian.

CHUCK REMINDS US WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT

I had almost forgotten about this poem.

---mimi smartypants takes four for her headache.

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