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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04


2006-03-29 ... 11:00 a.m.

THE WEEK’S READING MATERIAL

Are You Really Going To Eat That? Eh. But it could just be me: see my earlier prejudice about books made up of collected magazine columns.

Nervous System: Or, Losing My Mind In Literature. This reviewer is right: crazy bits are good, reflection bits are not so good.

Beware of God. Slightly gimmicky, but it made me laugh out loud on the bus, which is always a good thing.

STUPID GIRAFFE'S AT IT AGAIN

I am having some kind of Miranda July attack, where I feel like wearing a white dress and lying down in a field somewhere, or standing on a traffic island holding a cryptic sign, or taking total strangers' faces gently in my hands and asking them to tell me what they regret. Lack of sleep isn't helping either---the kind that is a combination of my own damn fault (beer), strange dreams (dead Amish people in my backyard), and a restless night for Nora. Is it time to ditch the baby monitor? Our bedrooms are far apart, and I'm more than happy to be on call for nightmares or bloody noses, but Nora is turning into a sleep-talker. Being woken up by a small imperious voice saying, "No, giraffe. No, no giraffe. Giraffe, YOU DO NOT DO THAT!" is kind of a drag.

FEAR OF A BLACK HAT

Nora and I were on a walk to the neighborhood bakery to get some bagels when she asked me for a hat, "a BIG hat, like those guys have." Meaning, of course, the Orthodox. I gave the standard non-answers of "hmm" and "maybe" and the noncommittal "it's a nice hat," and she countered with "maybe when I get bigger?" Sure, Nora. Let me get back to you on the appropriate age for a Chinese-born non-Jewish girlchild to dress like a temple elder. She also likes to say "Good Shabbos" to people on the street, but hasn't gotten the hang of the whole days-of-the-week thing yet, so we get a lot of strange looks.

SPEAKING OF BAGELS (EVENTUALLY)

The cafeteria in my office has this very exciting machine called a Serv-A-Pat. It dispenses chilled pats of butter and it says SERV-A-PAT in huge letters and I just love that name. Serv[e] a pat. Serve a Pat. Pat! You got served! I cannot find online discussions of the Serv-A-Pat but here is a company called Serv-A-Slice, which makes something similar at the very least. Serv-A-Slice is the official source for "Americas [sic] new favorite bagel dispenser." I believe this to be true. I have not yet called up America and said yo bitch, what's your favorite bagel dispenser only to hear America holla back that it fo shizzle is the Serv-A-Slice bagel dispenser, but when I do I am pretty sure that's the answer I am going to hear.

However, I suspect that America is being disingenuous about the whole "new" favorite bagel dispenser thing, because I have scoured the Internet pretty thoroughly and cannot find any OTHER bagel dispensers that could have been the past favorite. Where is the bagel dispenser of yore? The one whose favored status was usurped by the Serve-A-Slice BL3? I can find lots of bagel bins, but a bin is not a dispenser. I smell a half-truth. (Perhaps a half-truth with onions! Or sesame seeds!) I also smell a charming FAQ that warns of a 6-hour time window for bagel dispensing, but then reassures us that "a bagel is a hearty type of bread." Whew! Now if only Serv-A-Slice could do something about the disconnect between the name of the company and the name of the bagel dispenser, because presumably it dispenses a whole bagel and not just a slice. The obvious choice, Serv-A-Bagel, is fine if a bit overly specific, but the rhetorician in me would dearly love to retain the synecdoche of "slice," but apply it to bagels. But what? Serv-A-Unit? Serv-An-Entity? It's hopeless, a bagel cannot be described as other than a singular whole. Thank goodness I don't work at Serv-A-Slice. I would have such a headache.

---mimi smartypants is an elegant and sanitary means of dispensing bagels.

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