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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2002-03-12 ... 4:42 a.m.


Because in my job I have 15 dates every month to be aware and keep track of (which means I have a deadline of some sort approximately every 1.4 workdays) (oh boo hoo I'm so overworked quick someone write a blues song about me), I have a large dry-erase calendar on my office wall with all those deadlines marked. It's one of those "perpetual" calendars, wherein you just write the dates in the little squares. Or rather it's almost a perpetual calendar, for while the date boxes and month space are blank, the calendar has a huge heading that says "1999 VISUAL ORGANIZER." Why? It's obviously meant to be reusable. So why ruin it with the big-ass 1999?

Duh. So you'll buy a new one every year. But I refuse. I am able to tolerate a certain amount of cognitive dissonance and so I just look at the dates and deadlines. Thus, in my office it is always 1999! So make with the survival gear, the Pokemon toys, the craptacular Star Wars prequel! Turn on the Ricky Martin and vamos a bailar! Or if you prefer, Magnetic Fields! Le Tigre! Slow Riot for New Zero Kanada!

All right, back to the present. Or not? I vote for not. First, have some really old jokes. Then you can join me in 2002.

Remember when I suggested that SCROTUM would be a good name for a car? I decided to write to the Ford Motor Company and suggest it to them as well. It's quite a long letter, but I'll quote a bit from it here:

[skipping introduction congratulating them on their fine motor car products and acknowledging the difficulty of naming each new model of car]

I have decided that SCROTUM would be an excellent name for your next new car. I will leave it up to more brilliant marketing minds than my own whether the Ford SCROTUM will be a luxury sedan or a sporty, fun convertible, but I am confident that the Ford SCROTUM will be the best-selling car of the future, as long as its performance and value can live up to the promise of its name.

If you are concerned about the public's reaction to the word SCROTUM, which usually refers to more private matters than a model of automobile, consider the favorable reaction to the launching of another one of your products, the Ford Probe. People bought that car despite the name's unpleasant medical connotations. In contrast, the SCROTUM is nothing to be afraid or ashamed of---it will, in time, come to stand for the quality and pride of workpersonship that Ford is so famous for.

I will leave the SCROTUM campaign in the capable hands of the Ford Motor Company. I have not offered the use of this name to any other automobile manufacturer. If you are in need of further details, or wish to retain me as a consultant, please feel free to contact me at the address below.

Mimi Smartypants

Her address, etc

This is part of the letter Ford sent back (with a few edits from me in brackets):

Dear Ms Smartypants,

We receive many letters yearly which [should be "that"] relate to product names that the suggesters [suggesters?] believe would be appropriate for our products. With surprising frequency the names are the same as, or similar to, those suggested by others or names we have previously considered. There is also the possibility that such a suggested name may be independently considered within the Company [wacky capitalization there! Are you Ben Franklin or Winnie the Pooh or something?] after the received suggestion has been filed and forgotten.

[so go away, but thanks for your suggestion, etc.]

I'm happy they wrote back, but we all know that Ford is full of shit: are they seriously trying to tell me that someone else already considered and discarded the idea of naming a model of car the Ford SCROTUM? I highly doubt it.

---mimi smartypants reflects one lumen per square centimeter.


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