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the latest waddle:

good morning, wordpress - 10:36 a.m. , 2009-07-03

elaborate murder attempt - 2:56 p.m. , 2009-07-01

building a tractor in the basement - 10:42 a.m. , 2009-06-19

ask no questions tell just a few lies - 3:17 p.m. , 2009-06-09

my long lasting flavor really lasts long - 1:10 p.m. , 2009-06-04

2003-01-20 ... 12:55 p.m.


Sunday, January 19. LT and I are snuggling in bed, where I remained nearly all that day, because nothing makes my bones turn to jelly and my mind to mush quite like a Sunday. I hate Sundays. They cause despair. You know that work is right around the corner. You know that your sleep schedule is all wonky because of beer and staying out late and napping in the daytime. A good promo for the NFL would be something like: "TAKE TIME OUT FROM WANTING TO DIE! WATCH FOOTBALL! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!"

Anyway, the eels.

Me [monster noise]: Rrrrrrrraaaaaaarrrrrrrrruggggharrrattrrrrrrrrrh.
LT: What are you?
Me: Everyone thought I was extinct! But here I am, in this cave, the last of my kind! Rrrraaarrrrrrggguhrrrraarrrrrr!
LT: Cool. What are you?
Me [thinking fast]: Uh, I am a cross between a woolly mammoth and an eel. I am a woolly eel. With tusks.
LT: You are a very silly girl.


smartypantsmimi: God I can't talk today. I just got done sounding like a pilled-up retard on the phone. Uhhhhhhh.
feedmewithyrkids: Why do we still have phones?
feedmewithyrkids: They are so useless.
smartypantsmimi: Then I totally overexplained something and the woman on the other end just said "excuse me?" Like I was making no sense. Which I'm not.
feedmewithyrkids: No more phones.
smartypantsmimi: Throw them all in the ocean. Let the eels have the phones.
feedmewithyrkids: Eelphone
smartypantsmimi: CALL ME ON MY EELPHONE
feedmewithyrkids: It would be great if you could train an eel to transmit phone calls. The eelspeaker.
smartypantsmimi: Wi-fi eel.
smartypantsmimi: As long as it didn't keep swimming away.
feedmewithyrkids: Train it to sleep in a bucket.
smartypantsmimi: We're all eelconnected.
smartypantsmimi: I don't really like "IM" or "message" as a verb so I think I am going to start calling what we are doing here "eeling."
smartypantsmimi: We eeled until 3 am.
feedmewithyrkids: Eeling. That is very easy to type and say.
smartypantsmimi: I'll eel you with the details of my new technolinguistic endeavor.
feedmewithyrkids: Okay.
smartypantsmimi: Maybe I can make it catch on everywhere.


Appreciate [hereafter, A]: The fact that, although I would like to have seen Philadelphia in the Super Bowl, the outcome of yesterday's championship games means that there will be DOUBLE PIRATE ACTION, which sounds like it should be on the back of an XXX video box, next Sunday. (Holding! Ten-YARRRRRRD penalty! Or: Illegal Use of Cutlass!) Plus there will be sodomy during halftime! Hooray for sodomy!

A: Although the Raiders' fans are very odd people indeed, I thoroughly enjoyed crowd pans on television because there was this one shot of a Stormtrooper in the stands, just watching the game. And it is weird to see just one Stormtrooper. I guess the rest of his Stormtrooper buddies couldn't get off work.

A: Getting a ride home from a vegetarian cabdriver on Saturday night, and having a nice chat about lentils.

A: Being vaguely macked upon, and slightly inappropriately touched (could be just friendliness, but it was awfully grabby) at the bar Saturday night by a cute blonde girl, who told me a funny anecdote about how she jokingly asked Michael Chabon if he was gay and he was very much not amused. It was a long story but she told it well.

Despise [D]: The number system of Alamblak, which is spoken by some 1500 people in Papua New Guinea. Okay, I don't really "despise" the Alamblak number system. I would just like to point out that there might be a reason why only 1500 people speak Alamblak anymore, and that reason could be because this is one heck of an unwieldy number system.

D: The fact that the Chicago Public Library is closed today, on the very day I need to go and get more books (and if you know me at all, you know that books are like way at the bottom of the Maslow pyramid for me), and while Martin Luther King was undoubtedly a great man I just don't see the need to shut down public institutions for his birthday. Or for anyone's birthday, for that matter. I feel certain that Martin Luther King would have approved of me going to the library today.

A: Giant squid. Also, giant jellyfish.

A: Hairy cat soap.

A: I know it's cold, but do you want to go on a field trip? There is a really cool tree at around Grand and Ashland. It is a giant pine tree, but somehow clipped like a poodle, or maybe it naturally grew like that. Every few feet it has a huge disk of greenery and then bare trunk in between. Like the rings of Saturn, like petticoats.

Super A: More 19th century tentacle porn.

Super D: Ordering pasta salad from Letizia's on Friday night, for delivery, and while their muffins may be my favorites in Chicago I must warn you away from the tiny cup of underdone and undressed tortellini that they call a large pasta salad. Next time I am in there I think I will suggest heavy use of ironic quotation marks on their menu, then maybe no one else will be fooled. As I was.


Seriously weird but strangely compelling Gumby-related Flash animation.

Creepy ASCII art Japanese Flash animation. You may have seen it before, but here is the translation of the song, which was new to me:

One all alone, I begin: Right Hand, I hope our partnership will continue into the new year (Here we go!) Chorus: Massage that penis, massage, massage Massage that penis, massage, massage Two Swinging loose, a sign of manliness Let it swing, swing swing Swing your penis (Here we go!) (Chorus) Three Look at my penis Huge and black and completely unused *sob* (Here we go!) (Chorus) Four Hello, sexy lady Holding my penis, I'm standing by (Here we go!) (Chorus) Five My usual porn sites Powerful right hand, rod of steel (Here we go!) (Chorus) Six I wish I could force my penis Into the Marianas Trench (Chorus) Seven I shall send that unnamed girl My penis, wrapped with a ribbon (Here we go!) (Chorus) Eight Ai-ya, how unpleasant Falling ill is never fun Syphilis, Herpes, Chlamydia (Here we go!) (Chorus) Nine Tonight I have yet another battle to fight I'll take you on all at once, porn pics (Here we go!) (Chorus) Ten It's time to take off---Splort! May my semen soar and reach the moon (Here we go!) (Chorus)

Oh I am no good today. I had a lousy sleep. Very vivid dreams about football and naming a cat (LT wanted to name it "Seven," I wanted to name it "Malcolm X." Wouldn't that be a good name for a cat? BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY, I SHALL GET WET FOOD!)

---mimi smartypants is sinking into obscurity as we speak.


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